In My Mind, I’m a Foreigner in Any Land

The title of this article was an observation made by my friend, Bree.

It gives me chills.

I think it speaks for itself, and essentially cannot be improved upon, so I won’t even try.

Is Your Personality Ruining Your Relationships?

The broken promise that is eHarmony (Slogan: “Matching you with people who signed up to ‘review their matches for free’ but had to create a profile first and are hence now in our system but you will never hear from them because they are not here and you can be sure that this is the real problem and it is not because they do not like you because they would at least have closed their match with you if not interested because they otherwise would not be able to get new matches and that does not make sense now does it and so it should be clear that they never subscribed and long ago realized the same thing that you just did but we have a smarmy guy with three last names (almost rhymes with ‘deal shark baron’) on our commercials so people sign up and give us money.”) still sends me links to articles on their “eHarmony Advice” site. Some of them are interesting, such as:

• Eight Bad Reasons for a Break Up
• Five Dating Rules you Should Never Break
• Is your Friend Really a “Frenemy?”
• Nine Signs You’ve Met “The One”

Users comment on articles (including some accurate comments disparaging the obviousness or pointlessness of the article), and there are discussion boards, with topics such as:

What would make you want to approach a guy?

This particular thread started with a question from a guy, who, like me, doesn’t get “approached” by women, and was wondering just what he could do to increase the odds of being approached.

Much wisdom may have indeed been imparted by the first woman to answer:

Do you see that girl at the end of the bar who caught your eye and smiled? Maybe she blushed and looked away really quick and you weren’t sure if she actually did look at you so you keep your eye on her and she glances back in your directions?

You’ve just been approached.

See? That's cool. That’s helpful. I’ve heard that elsewhere, and will be keeping it in mind. (Women: if you are wondering how it could be that this isn’t intuitively obvious to me, you’re forgetting what should be obvious to you — I’m male. We just don’t get it. It can’t be helped.)

Whether this is interesting or obvious to you, where I’m going here is that unlike eHarmony itself, this site is free, so anybody – eSmarmony member or not — can sign up and participate.

But, the real purpose of the site is to serve as yet another reason to get you clicking on something related to eHarmony, and ultimately give them money. That brings me back (finally – thank you, ADD) to the purpose of this post. Here’s the title of the article:

Is Your Personality Ruining your Relationships?

Think about the question for just a minute. Are you laughing yet? I hope you are.

The answer? “Well, yeah, of course my personality is ruining my relationships! Duh!”

Seriously, what’s your personality if it’s not the essence of who you are? And isn’t who you are, compared to who the other person is, what makes or breaks a relationship? That doesn’t mean you need to be different — you are who you are — and if you change your personality to try to make a relationship work, it might work for a while, but not forever.

So... will this article be of value to me?

Are you the kind of person who rarely gets mad? Are you usually happy? Your answers are the clues to your personality which can affect your relationships. This all leads back to the main question – what motivates you to act in certain ways?

Well… wait a second. Back up the truck. That wasn’t the main question. I thought the main question was whether my personality was ruining my relationships.

The process of finding someone right for you starts with getting to know yourself better. That's why we've developed our Premium Personality Profile.

Ah. I should have expected that this article wasn’t going to be informative. You get it, yes? Premium = Not Free. Not even free if you’re an eHarmony paying customer.

Single and Looking (Part 2: Another One Bites the Dust)

— 2008-09-21 10:00 Update:

If you read this post previously, scroll down for an “Anita Update,” as as well as an introduction to Anita’s friend, Pegi.

---

It’s cool to get a nibble on your profile when you’re doing the online dating “thing.”

Unfortunately, as in this case, the joy is often short-lived when you’re a guy.

I hear that it’s often short-lived for women, too, but for different reasons. The report I get is that the women have to deal with slobs, slackers, losers, and deceptively-attractive 15-year-old pictures. Granted, I’ve seen a little of that on my side, but I have not heard reports like this from women, on this particular style of “fun” on their side: spammers and scammers.

Yes, I have heard from women who get romanced and then asked for money, but this is different. Certainly not worse, just different. If someone is going to try to scam me, I prefer them to make it obvious rather than break my heart first.

These people just can’t seem to have enough fun with the online dating sites. I’ve toyed with a couple of them, asking them obviously bogus questions (“Do you agree with me that Barack Obama and John McCain are both way too conservative?”) to not-quite-so-obvious ones designed to test whether they know anything at all about the place they claim to live.

But I’m not always entirely sure what it is they want to accomplish. I have two guesses. Maybe three. All of them involve money. I don’t know if my questions give them a little discomfort that I am onto them, or just what... but if that’s what it is, I do feel sorry for any guy so flattered by their attention that he just gets carried along by it.

Exhibit #1:

Meet “Anita.”

Profession/Occupation: sales girl
Height: 5’4”
Eyes: Brown
Build: About average
Hair Color: Black
Race: Black or African American
Age: 37

I’d actually say her hair is brown, but that’s being kind of picky.

So here we have a very cute, 37-year-old, single Christian black girl, with some college, who lives with her parents, doesn’t smoke, drinks occasionally, has no children, possibly wants children, and whose interests include Cooking, Movies, Music, Dancing, Watching sports, and Wine tasting.

…who lives in Colony, Oklahoma, population 147 (51% female).

I’ve heard of Colony. Never been there, but I’ve heard of it, and I know it is a small town. I didn’t know just exactly how small it was. No offense to Colony, I love small towns… but you would think if someone clever were going to pull the wool over someone else’s eyes, they would do the same quick lookups that I just did.

According to the census chart of median ages, there is approximately one (1) woman her age living in Colony, which has an ethnic makeup something like this:

• White Non-Hispanic (80.3%)
• American Indian (14.3%)
• Hispanic (5.4%)
• Other race (4.8%)
• Two or more races (4.8%)

Do you think “she” chose a town to list on the web site carefully?

Let’s read more about her.

Looking for Mr Right

Wonderful Young woman .. looking for lost rib am a honest loving caring girl looking for the same thing .Well i think life is to short to be alone so i seek a Mr right a man with sens of humor strong and honest to share the rest of my life with.. Well love is the greatest thing in the whole world .. i am looking for love and dont mind to look for him any where ... love is of the heart not distance.. well let see what we can make of this ..

“Wonderful Young woman” … a very healthy self-esteem this girl has, no?

And a “lost rib”… how quaint. Clearly a Bible believing wholesome girl through-and-through. Except for this second pose… that’s kinda confusing. Maybe, just maybe, even a little contradictory. Come to think of it, it was Adam who lost the rib... not Eve... In fact, I’m starting to wonder if there’s not some distinct gender inconsistency going on here. Did you copy this from another site? Do you know the meanings of these individual words?

Besides being unsure of whether you’re a woman, I’m really not too sure about you being 37. Maybe half that. The girl in the picture, I mean. Not really a very lady-like pose.

Here’s the thing, Anita... Love may be of the heart, not distance, but think of the Foghorn Leghorn cartoons, when Foghorn would tear into the dog with a big wooden stick, then let the dog chase him until they got to the “rope limit” sign. Besides, I suspect that you, if you’re a woman at all, are quite a significant distance from here — much further away than Colony, Oklahoma.

Her grammar and punctuation are also a little rough for someone with “some college.”

Oh… and what about her preferences in a match?

About Her Match

Height: 5’0” to 6’0”
Body type: No Preference
Ethnic background: No Preference
Religious affiliation: No Preference
Education level: No Preference
Smoking frequency: No Preference
Drinking frequency: No Preference

That’s very generous and non-judgmental of her, don’t you think?

Perhaps a little too much so?

So I’m operating way past the fringe of credibility. I figure I owe it to my fellow single guy brothers to eliminate fraud artists from the sites by reporting them… so I bite.

We get to the point of this particular site where you get to select two questions from a list to ask the other person. You have to select both questions at the same time.

My first question:

How often do you go out during the week and what sort of things do you like to do? Dinners? Movies? Drinks? Something else all together? Do you normally go out large groups or with just a few friends?

I barely go out sometimes but i am usually free on weekends.I do allot of cleaning arround the house do the laundry just normal home stuff.I sometimes like to go to the park allot too when the weather is right and i also go to the beach too.I sometimes spend time at the pub listening to music or playing the guitar.I go out to play golf sometimes but i havent in a while.

Okay, I don’t know if there are any golf courses near Colony. But that’s a minor detail. I’m quite, quite, quite sure there are no women in Oklahoma — black, white, Native American, or any other girls for that matter — who would ever use the phrase “spend time at the pub listening to music.” Oh, and Colony is approximately 500 miles, a 9 hour drive if you don’t stop, from the nearest “beach.”

My second question:

What are you most grateful for?

I am really grateful to my parents for bringing me into this life.I really cherish them and for being there for me when i needed them.They have being my support ever since i was a little kid and have helped me allot to be able to achieve my dreams.They have thought me so much in life about how to be humble in life.

That’s great. It’s good to know that your parents “have being” your support since you were a little kid… most people start out with their parents when they are little kids... and you say they helped you achieve your dreams, which apparently included not finishing college and living with them at 37 years of age...?

After the two questions, you’re allowed to message each other.

I clearly wouldn’t have written something so utterly weak if I thought there were a real woman in Colony… or in Oklahoma… or in the United States, for that matter… on the other end of the line. But hey, I’m curious to see where this person will try to take me.

To: Anita
From: Michael

Subject: Hi

Hi, Anita... so where do you work? And which beach do you like best?

Trick question, of course. Both of them, really, because I doubt very much there are many “sales girl” opportunities in Colony, no matter what they are… uh… selling.

Oh, look! I got a message from Anita. What a pleasant and unexpected surprise.

To: Michael
From: Anita

Subject: (none)

Hello,

i must confess,your profile has really captured my attention and i will love to share in the joy of your smile,in fact i want to get to know you if you don’t mind. I was about taking off my profile when i came across yours. I miss being in love and after staying away from the love scene for long time due to reasons I will tell you later on as we get to know more about each other, I have finally decided to give love one last shot. I am looking for my soul mate and I will look everywhere in the world for her. I will be glad if we get to know each other and become friends.You never know we could become the next success story on here as good couples.If you like,you can reach me by yahoo messenger or email at (anita-------@yahoo.com) and i will surely reply. And add me to your yahoo messenger and let meet online.

Sheesh, do I really have to even comment on this? Is it even possible for me to comment on this without being superfluous and/or stating the utterly obvious?

Oh, you want to get to know me, if I don’t mind? Yes, I mind. What… do you think I’m on a dating site for a purpose other than to meet attractive women such as yourself? If you were real, I wouldn’t mind.

Oh, wait... she said “her.”

“I am looking for my soul mate and I will look everywhere in the world for her,” she said.

Right.

Do you know that I have never, ever, ever, in an e-mail to a woman — no matter how enamored or not I was of her — stranger or confidante — referred to her as a man? And I don’t think my fingers could even type the sentence, accidentally or on purpose, “I am looking for my soulmante and I will look everywhere in the world for him.”

Nope. See, I couldn’t do it.

But I’m on a mission, remember?

I did as she requested. One more message... From my “throwaway” hotmail account, of course. She can spam it all she likes.

From: M. H. J.
Sent: Friday, September 19, 2008 8:04 PM
To: anita------@yahoo.com
Subject: Hello, Anita

As you requested, I am e-mailing you here... I have lots of questions.

What was it about my profile that you liked?

Are your pictures recent? You're very attractive, but you look very young. Where did you go to school?

I've been to your town... it's a great place... but you didn't tell me which beach you like best.

Hope to hear more soon! :)

Yeah, right.

---

— 2008-09-21 10:00 ETA:

I didn’t report “her” (“Anita”) yet, because I wanted to see what she was going to do, say, ask, etc... morbid curiosity, remember? Well, for ahem some reason, she’s gone from the site now, anyway. Guess one of my single bro’s has beat me to the punch on reporting her.

“She” still has my throwaway e-mail address... so I just don’t know what her actual intentions are... never heard back. At least not yet.

Say... what if she’s friends with “mr wang chan” ...?!

I received his e-mail before I started corresponding with “her,” but I wonder if a subsequent e-mail like his might be what springs from this little interaction.

---

You know, back when I was on Yahoo Personals — there’s a clickable link to “IM” a person after looking at their profile — I used to get popups from “women” who were simply enchanted by my profile, despite the fact that the “who’s viewed me” feature indicated they had not actually looked at my profile. They inevitably would tell me they lived in a specific typicaltown, USA, but were, at that moment, in Myanmar, Ethiopia, Nigeria, etc., visiting a sick parent. Right.

I don’t know where these people are actually sitting when they post these things. Nor do I particularly care. I didn’t correspond with Pegi to such an extent... I just reported her. Oops, I mean, “her.”

Exhibit #2:

Meet “Pegi.”

Once again, we have a profile here, where the word “suspicious” doesn’t even come close to describing the blatant obviousness that the profile is phony. The writing that even I didn’t notice at first is a copyright notice. A stolen photo. Nice job, Pegi.

Her interests include Books/reading, Cooking, Music, Dancing, Playing sports, and Wine tasting... a lot like Anita’s, don’t you think?

Profession/Occupation: Sales.Buying and selling of Textiles and Cotton
Income: $200,001 to $250,000

[Yes, Pegi, I am convinced, and I want to be with you. I know many people making up to a quarter of a million dollars in salary a year engaged in “buying and selling of textiles and cotton” and in fact they describe their job using the word “textiles,” which is a word I use every day in ordinary conversation... and I am quite sure that with your money and looks, you need to be on an Internet dating site. Come to think of it, your job description could apply to anyone who sells t-shirts at a carnival. They’re “textiles” and they often are made of cotton or a cotton blend.]

Height: 5’10”
Eyes: Brown
Build: About average
Hair Color: Black
Ethnic background: Native Hawaiian or other Pacific Islander

Her description:

Money cant buy my love

No, Pegi, it generally can’t. In fact, I’m so confident in this that you’re not going to get a chance to try any of my money to see if it has any potential with you.

when it comes to writing introduction letters, but once i get past that, im generally ok. [yes, that sentence fragment was copied verbatim from the profile]

So bear with me. tell, but I will start off with the basics. I am 28 years old, I'm 5'10" tall, I have black hair, and brown eyes [this matches the information above; it may actually be the only consistency in the entire profile], I am the only child to my late parent but I stay in contact with God. [Poor girl, she only had one parent to begin with.]

I have gone through much schooling, so I am well educated. [one does not prove the other, but I digress, LOL]

I have done alot of management, and have many skills which are self-taught(construction, warehouse management, store management, security, and cooking) [but apparently not grammar, punctuation, and spelling].

I love to cook(I was a professional cook for 6 years). I am definately a romantic at heart...I love to take long walks along the beach at night and watch the sunset and look up at the stars. I like candlelit dinners, and treating a guy like a baby(pulling out the chair, opening the door, making sure a guy always gets served first) [I’m sorry, Pegi, but, uh, I don’t really know where to begin explaining the problem with this!], I like cuddling in front of a nice fire [okay, but you have to chop the firewood, I guess], and I like good conversation.

I used to be an angry person(many years ago), but my love of God has turned me into a peaceful woman.

And look — once again — a very flexible girl when it comes to the man of her dreams.

About Her Match

Height: 5’0” to 6’0”
Body type: No Preference
Ethnic background: No Preference
Religious affiliation: No Preference
Education level: No Preference
Smoking frequency: No Preference
Drinking frequency: No Preference

Well, I’m convinced. An attractive, wealthy, peaceful woman, thanks to her love of God (funny... don’t most people credit this the other way around — “God’s love for me?”). A woman with no mother (hence, no mother-in-law) — how bad could it be? And she doesn’t care about my ethnic background, religion, or education, and apparently I can even smoke or drink to my heart’s content!

Pegi, would you like my bank account number or should I just send a money order?

I think I’ll wrap up this topic... It’s interesting, but they are all looking pretty much the same at this point, and unless and until I see a little novelty in their approach, this pretty well covers it!

One more thing, though — ladies: have you see these too?

---

Incidentally, I’ve used these photos under what I consider “fair use,” documenting their use elsewhere; however, if you are the copyright owner, I will be happy to remove them.

Have I Officially Lost It?

I was thinking maybe I had.

I woke up early this morning. Thanks to my new sleepymeds, I was able to fall asleep right around 22:00 list night... 7 hours later, I was awake, at 05:00 hours! I was actually kind of aggravated, since I didn’t need to be up until 05:45 or 06:00, but I figured I’d go start the coff-ay, have some fudge stripe cookies and pringles, and have time for a little wall-staring.

That last bit is an inside joke.

Actually, it was coffee — set up the night before (woohoo!) — a steak and egg croissant, which went into the trash after one bite (nothing wrong with it other than it was distinctly disgusting-tasting, was seasoned like a slim-jim), and a couple of pieces of toasted multi-grain bread with some real butter and blackberry jell-ay. Yummy.

I turned the radio on to listen to my boyz on KRMG. Being so early, they were still at low power, so the reception was a little fuzzy. I have an AM radio “loop antenna” on my stereo... it’s been kind kind of leaning against the teevee, kind of haphazard, for a while... so I decided to do something I’ve been procrastinating — verify the best orientation for picking up KRMG, and then mounting to the wall.

To do this, I had to go to the car to get a box of thumbtacks (trust me, they were there for a good reason, once upon a time anyway), and I got it done. You have to celebrate small victories when you can. It sounded much better.

I went back to the bedroom to text my sister “Happy Birthday,” check e-mail, and see what all was going on in the world.

I looked for my coffee.

It wasn’t here.

That’s odd. I had it a couple of minutes ago.

You know how, when you lose something, you go looking for it... you don’t find it... and then you go looking in the same places again, over and over, as if maybe you didn’t look hard enough, or something, the first time?

Picture me, early morning... but really not sleepy... misplacing a cup of coffee in a white and green coffee mug. Not easy to do. So I checked the bedroom... nope... bathroom... (hey, it could happen)... nope. Living room... all around the stereo... nope. Kitchen counter... stove... car... nothing.

Now, understand... it wasn’t a big deal that I couldn’t find the coffee... I could always get more. I was concerned that my ADD was hitting me big time and that I couldn’t find the cup with coffee in it. It was the misplaced cup that was really bugging me.

How could I be quite so absentminded — and then beyond that, how could I possibly now not be able to find the only coffee cup in my house that was not in the dishwasher or on the counter behind the coffee maker with all of the other clean ones?

What if I never found it? Oh, I’d find it eventually, but probably by knocking it over or smelling it... blecch.

I checked Jenny’s room. Jenny’s not here right now, and I hadn’t been in her room... but hey, I’ve got to find this thing. Who knows where I might have been standing when I took a notion to set it down? I’ve lost it, and my marbles, and the marbles may be in the cup, for all I know.

I look in the kitchen cabinets... inside the microwave oven (no, I never put coffee in there to reheat it — yuck — but who knows what I might have done?)... ah, inside the refrigerator? Nope.

So then I checked all these places again. Under the bed? (Maybe I set it on the floor at the edge of the bed.) Negative. In the drawer of the bedside table? Nope. Not on the washer or dryer either.

It cannot not be here.

So I decided, “I guess it’ll turn up.”

Then I went back to the kitchen and was going to start over with a new... oh.

Apparently I had already finished it.

It was empty, in the sink.

D’OH!

Fail!

See more lolcats...


see more pwn and owned pictures

Legitimate Offer!!!

I was going to just click "spam" on this, but he put “Legitimate Offer!!!” in the subject line, so I'm sure it must be legit.

Don’t you think?

He is going to avail me with the modalities that we shall follow once he hears from me... but apparently only if I endeavor to keep to myself issue concerning this proposal. He didn’t say I had to succeed at keep to myself issue, only that I have to endeavor to keep myself issue.

Also, he has cleverly noticed that the lowercase “L” looks very much like the capital letter “I,” hasn’t he... and he freely transposes them.

Clever man.

I am confused, though, whether I’m his actual “dearest” friend, just one of several of his dearest friends, or merely a “dear” friend.

I’m also confused as to why there would be an “Israeli checkpoint in jerusalem,” but I guess that will be in the modalities he’s going to avail me to when I provide him with my “full contact information’s.”

I’ve suppressed his e-mail addresses, because I wouldn’t want you to get your hands on the modalities before I do. You believe me, right?

--------------------------------------------------
From: "Mr wang chan"
Sent: Wednesday, September 17, 2008 8:57 PM
Subject: Legitimate Offer!!!

Dearest friend,

Dear friend,

I am sincerely Sorry for bugging into your privacy, it’s due to a business deal in my bank value at 21.5Million us dollars, as a foreigner l can present you as the beneficiary to the inheritance since there is no written will by the deceased who Died at the Israeli checkpoint in jerusalem, as the director of system l have been following the records. However l am the only one aware of the funds and investigation so far in my bank due to my investigations.

l am Mr Wang Chan an Executive director working with Industrial and Commercial Bank of China (ICBC), this opportunity will be of mutual benefit to the two of us. I would provide you with all the necessary documents to lay claims and also I would avail you with the modalities we shall follow once I hear from you Because of my position in office, please endeavor to keep to yourself issue concerning this proposal. If you are interested, kindly get back to me with your full contact information's and phone number via this email: wangchan1975@-------.com.hk

Upon your response l will give you more details about this transaction, if not interested you can delete this mail.

Mr wang chan

Can you just picture one of this guy’s “dearest” (or, just “dear,”) friends hunkered over his computer somewhere, carefully trying to hide the screen so nobody around them can get privy to the great riches he’s soon to amass?

Like I said... I was skeptical, but how could someone lie in their subject lines to a friend who is, to some extent, dear to them?

Less Attractive Men Make Better Mates?

Woohoo! Maybe I’m in luck, after all!

New study:

82 couples were rated independently by outsiders, rating their looks and evaluating their behavior and interactions.

When the wife was gauged to be more attractive than the husband, the relationship was also gauged to be more supportive.

On the other hand, when the husband was more attractive than the wife, the relationship was gauged to be less supportive.

However, there’s a semi-related article on MSNBC that I found confusing and not confusing — all at the same time — that tells us:

A new study confirms what women say they've known all along: Men, no matter how unattractive, think they’ve got a chance with a runway model.

Huh? Come again?

Oh. I guess they must be talking about other men, ’cuz I don’t think they’re talking about me!

men were less likely than women to think that their own lack of attractiveness — based both on a self assessment and the ratings of others — should stand in the way of a date with someone "hot."

Okay, again... Huh? Which men are they talking about?

I am well aware of my own level of attractiveness, such as it is. I'm not that scary looking, but I’m no model or pretty boy or metrosexual. And I’m loathe to approach someone who I think is out of my league.

The lead author of the study, Leonard Lee, an assistant professor at Columbia’s Graduate School of Business...

Oh. A college professor. No wonder he had to do a study to figure out that guys like attractive women.

...thinks these far-fetched movie and TV couples might explain why unfortunate-looking men tend to hold out such high hopes. But he wonders whether the unattractive guys eventually learn that their chances are slim regardless of what they see on screen.

Okay... so let me get this straight. His conclusion is that guys are clueless about just how ugly they are, and, they get this idea that it doesn’t matter... from TV and movies?

He may be giving the guys too much credit. Maybe they don’t actually learn it anywhere... maybe it’s just good, old-fashioned male cluelessness.

Granted, I’ve seen a handful of exceptions, but I need to be enlightened. Do a lot of guys have the opposite problem from me? Think they’re hot, when they’re not? Or know they’re not, but think it doesn’t matter? Seriously?

Your comments, please.

Please!