Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Instruction Please the Manual of Following Operating with Simultaneity

In a previous entry, Please to Cautiously Read this Entry of Blog For Avoid Not Affinity and Secure Safety With Consistency, I detailed the humorous and annoying instruction leaflet that came with my $5.00 Wal-Mart shower radio, which included the valuable tip of not using it near water — such as near a bathtub.

I bought a set of 4 wireless video cameras with alleged night-vision to put outside of my house, and to inside, to watch the baby in her crib. These cameras are essentially nothing worth writing about — they’re supposed to be color by day, infrared by night... but they’re more like infrared by day (not much color, and what color is there is wrong — my red car is light green), and not much of anything by night.

Conspicuously absent are references to the FCC or the 2.4 GHz ISM band, which is where these units appear to operate, or any listing by UL. Details.

Actually, they work a little better than that, but the range of the built-in infrared light source on each camera works much better indoors than out. Still, if you’re standing within several feet of my camera, I can most definitely make a positive identification of you later.

I already told you they camera system is not worth writing about... but the instruction manual — that’s a different story altogether. This is transcribed word-for-word, with spacing and punctuation intact. My wit and wisdom, or an illustration of my lack-thereof, are in italics.



Manual of four channels wireless receiver

Thank you for selecting this kind of wireless monitor receiver, in order to help you to use the product better, please read the manual carefully.
You know, there are other manufacturers of “this kind” of receiver (even if it isn’t a “monitor receiver.”)
I. Basic specification parameter
  • Receiving frequency channel: 2.414GHz. 2.432GHz. 2.450GHz. 2.468GHz.
  • Video output: 75Ω/1Vp-p
  • Audio output: 10KΩ/200mVp-p
  • Signal output: Can output two same Channels audio and video signals simultaneity.
I was almost busted, here... I didn’t know “simultaneity” was a word, but as it turns out, it is. Think “spontaneity” for a word that’s similarly structured... but I still have to point out that we at a minimum need to see with word “with” in front — “with simultaneity.” It’s a noun. Or we could use a more sensible word.

“two same channels?” Yeah. Two same channels. i.e., we have two outputs that show the same signal at all times. (One output for your monitor, one for your VCR.) So I’ll have to say it’s not “two same channels.” Oh... and it’s not “can” output. It’s “does” output. You can’t set it any other way.
  • Power Adapter: DC 12V/500mA
  • Power consumption: <2w
  • Remote control distance: 6~8M
  • Working temperature: 0~40°C
  • Volume: 120 X 99 X 30mm
Volume? Helpful if you need to know how much water it will displace, but otherwise, we might expect this to be translated “dimensions.”

II. Diagram

They tried their best to mess up the diagram, but it was pretty straightforward. Really.

III. Instructions of the function and operation:

1. Put the camera in the place where need to monitor.
Srsly? I was going to put it in a shoebox. I have a good feeling about these instructions.
2. Insert the input end of the power adapter in the AC normal voltage socket; insert the DC output plug of power adapter in the power input jack of the camera.
Yeah, do that. But be careful because if you mess this one up, children can be conceived.
3. The distance between the cameras, the camera to the receiver should be kept about or over 2 meters, otherwise receiving will be interfered.
We wouldn’t want receiving to be interfered.
4. Use the AV cable to connect one channel of Audio and video output of the receiver with the audio and video input plugs of the TV set or Monitor.
This line appears to be the only line in the entire set of instructions that is fully comprehensible. Close enough for horseshoes, but probably not for hand grenades, including the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.
5. Connect the DC 12V/500mA power adapter with the receiver and put through the circuit, the channel display window will show red light point.
It turns out that after I have to “put through the circuit” (remember, use protection), did indeed find the channel display window showing red light point. When you plug it in, a red dot lights up on the front of the receiver to indicate that the unit is receiving power, but is turned off.
6. Press the off/on key of the remote control, or press the channel key of the receiver and open the power adapter of the receiver. The receiver will acquiesce the channel 1 after opening.
Acquiesce: to assent tacitly; submit or comply silently or without protest; agree; consent. Yes, I suppose it will acquiesce. How could it complain?

Oh — warning: do not actually “open the power adapter of the receiver.” Not only are there no user-serviceable parts inside, but you can get a nasty shock, because in step 5, you “put through the circuit!”
7. Press the channel key (marked No.1, 2, 3 and 4) of the remote control and make the frequency of the receiver corresponding to the transmitter frequency of the receiver corresponding to the transmitter frequency of the camera. Or press the channel key of the receiver; make the channel character showed by the digital tube of the channel display window on the receiver corresponding to the transmitter frequency of the camera.
No, I did not make a transcription error. Read it again and the result is the same. And... “digital tube...” ’Nuff said.
8. Can see the video and listen to the voice through the television or monitor, adjust the place of the camera, aiming at the monitoring object then can make the valid monitor, can adjust the voice by the Vol+, vol- key of the remote control, can change the channel in turn by the CH+, CH- key.
Translation: throw this manual away immediately, if you actually need it, because it won’t be much help.
9. Press the ON/OFF key of the remote control, or press the channel button on the receiver for 3 seconds to turn off the power of the receiver.


IV. The problems often be met while using and the solutions:

1. The indicator of the channel display window is not lighting.
Check whether the socket of the power adapter works well or not, and make sure the power switch is turning on.
Indeed.
2. The receiver cannot receive picture or the picture-received flashes.
  • Please check whether the wireless camera have already put through the power.

  • Whether the distance between wireless camera and receiver is too far or whether there is electromagnetic shielding barrier between wireless camera and receiver ( eg: Building of steel structure will make much hindrance to transmitting signal).
The distance between the camera and receiver is too far... curiously, the manual, despite all of the helpful information, doesn’t mention how far is “too” far. If by “electromagnetic shielding barrier” they mean “hot water heater,” then I specifically agree with them, because the chosen mounting spot in the baby’s room is just on the other side of it... and there is, in fact, much hindrance being made to transmitting signal.
  • In the range of receiving, Don't make two wireless cameras with the same frequency work at the same time, otherwise they will cause interfering.
Of course, it’s not possible to do this anyway... it doesn’t work, and you cannot “make” it work (you can only “try.” They should have said not to try.)... but also, unless you buy two of these 4-camera kits, it’s not possible to do this anyway... the cameras are not frequency agile. Each camera is hard-set to operate at only one frequency.
  • When the transmitting cameras of different frequency work at the same time, the distance between the cameras should be kept about or over 2 meters, otherwise receiving will be interfered.
In section III, item 3, we were told to keep the cameras 2 meters away from each other as well as to keep them 2 meters away from the receiver. They not only neglected to mention the distance from the receiver, here, but they also neglected to mention that they must be arranged at an angle of not less than 60° apart if they are exactly 2 meters from the receiver, although the angle or that this angle can be narrower as distance expands. And, as an engineer once asked me, “don’t we have to factor ‘the square root of 3’ in there somewhere?"

Besides, this is a difficult measurement to make, since 2 meters is something like 14 deciliters, and once you measure it off, you still have no idea of the price of tea in China. (2,600 Yen, I believe). [See Footnote 1]

Even if you’ve outsmarted the Metric System by this point, you have to ask... is it safe to allow my mom within 2 meters of the receiver or within 8 meters of the receiver if she has the remote control in her hand? The answer is no. It is never safe to allow your mom within such a short distance of anything electronic.
  • If there are high-power transmission signals with the same frequency and car-mounted radio working around, they will cause interfering to the receiver.
Yes, watch out for car-mounted radio working around. Wait... check the sentence structure... “if there are high-power transmission signals with [the same frequency] + [car mounted radio]?” I guess some people have a high-power car-mounted radio working around, and those people are out of luck.



The one potential pitfall they neglected to provide any helpful advice about was that the manual is unhelpful and nonsensical.

Oh... and the manual mentions that the cameras are somehow “optional.” It’s bad enough that we import this crap.


Footnotes:

1. I’m not an idiot: you are.
2 meters is nothing at all like 14 deciliters. In fact, it is impossible to convert from one to the other, even using dimensional analysis. Cubic meters, yes. But not meters. Also, the price of tea in China is a time-worn and very annoying thing to mention. And yes, Yen is not a Chinese currency. Japanese. Duh.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Freedom of Speech — Twisted Way Out of Context

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”
— United States Constitution, First Amendment

I like Fox News. If you know me, then you know that.

But in an article on their web site called Free Speech Doesn’t Always Exist Online, the author feeds a fire that should never have been lit, basing the entire article on a premise that has to be rejected outright: specifically that there is a censorship problem in online communities that the government should step in and address. Quoting:
“Rant all you want in a public park. A police officer generally won’t eject you for your remarks alone, however unpopular or provocative. Say it on the Internet, and you’ll find that free speech and other constitutional rights are anything but guaranteed.”
Sorry? Let me get this right: You’re saying freedom of speech is supposed to be guaranteed... by the government?

I’ll have to go “not” along with that. Here’s the (obvious?) reason why:

The First Amendment to the United States Constitution doesn’t come anywhere near to guaranteeing freedom of speech. That’s right. If you think that it does, you are in for a big, big surprise. Read it, above.

The framers of the Constitution had it among their highest concerns that the government not become despotic like the one under which they were living.

A government which can or does suppress political discourse is, of course, already in — or capable of — a state of despotism and absolute control. The founders didn’t want that, and I don’t want that. No free person wants that.

Consider the current governments of Cuba, Venezuela, and North Korea... not to mention China... if you disagree with the government and you are subject to that government, your “life, liberty, and persuit of happiness” are all pretty much theirs for the taking. Why? Because their leaders are petty, frightened, typical despots, terrified that they may not be able to hold on to their power. For this reason, opposition must be quashed.

Aside: Curiously, I believe this is also the underlying motivation of “men” who verbally, physically, or sexually abuse their wives and/or children — they’re desperate and pathetic inside, feeling a need for control over other people, and terrified they will lose it. I certainly hope that doesn’t sound like I’m making an excuse. I’m not. All I’m giving is an explanation. No battered woman is a free woman, and the man will make sure to keep her that way, under his control — exactly the same as a despotic government — with implicit or explicit threats of more violence and bad things to come, if she tries to make a break for it., as well as with the occasional affection and tenderness that gives her hopeful heart a chance to believe that he really loves her.

These guys can’t bear the thought of parting with that power, sick as it is... and it’s very similar to my impressions of the motivations and the power a dictator has over his subjects... as well as that which people of a certain nameless “religion of peace” and culture exercise over their “property” (i.e., women). They are quite simply stated, neurotic.

The best thing we accomplished with our overthrows in the Middle East was letting women out into the sunlight. Not so we could see them, but so they could feel it on their skin (proverbially) and know they didn’t want to ever be on the sidelines or closet, and give it up again.

An abused woman, if she can break free, feels something very similar, in my experience: she finally realizes how badly she needed to leave, so long ago, and just how despotic the king of their castle had really been — and if she has a shred of emotional stability and dignity left that he didn’t steal from her, she is committed to never getting into such a situation again, whether with him or anyone else.

The only discrepancy or possible disagreement I have with some others’ beliefs along this regard is that I don’t think many of these men consciously manipulate their women: I believe many of them are just acting in a way that seems sensible, driven by an inner force rather than deliberate scheming. This does not absolve them in any way — it illustrates my belief that many of them are mentally ill and refuse to find help. That may seem contradictory — as if I am saying this is “just the way they are,” but I don’t believe that to be true. As I have said before, “a scizophrenic cannot think his way or talk-therapy his way out of his condition... but he can seek medical treatment and choose to stay on his prescribed medication therapy.”

If you know consciously what you’re doing is wrong, even though it is driven by subconscious means or motivations, then you seek whatever help is available to help you fight your own inner “demon.” I am not an abuser, but I do understand this state of mind due to the flawed perceptions I have experienced, of other people and of life, in times past. I assure you it is possible for evidence to be ignored by the human brain. One more time, though, this is an explanation, and not an excuse.

In their wisdom, our framers and founders wanted this possibility to be absolutely impossible in the United States. The very premise of the Declaration was that God, and individuals, were important, and government was a necessary evil that only derived its power from the consent of those governed.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.

Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed.

But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.
Despite the fact that they were in a position to rally the people of this nation into what would ultimately turn out to be a new state of despotism, they didn’t — they had the wisdom, restraint, and forethought to restrain the government with a document that can only be amended by a significant majority of the people... the “governed”... which is why amendments don’t happen very often.

Along this train of thought, it should be obvious on a simple reading (no absolutely no need for word-twisting or obscure between-the-lines “penumbral” meaning) that the first amendment only guarantees that no law made by Congress will abridge (reduce or lessen in duration, scope, authority, etc.; diminish; curtail; deprive; cut off) freedom of speech, or the press, or the right of peaceable assembly — laws can’t be made by congress and (implicitly) can neither be manipulated by the judicial branch and Supreme Court nor imposed by the Executive Branch if such laws would abridge these freedoms.

So just as ridiculous as the “separation of church and state” which are words not only not found in the constitution, and which many people want to interpret as freedom “from” religion, not freedom “of” religion from government interference (specifically, the establishment of a theocracy, like the Church of England’s relationship to the government back in that day) — is the notion that the government of the United States has an obligation to protect your right to speak freely, saying anything, any time, anywhere.

Nonsense. The government is only constrained from being the suppressing entity — because without a guaranteed freedom of government oppression, the government has more power than is appropriate when it comes to protecting itself from people who oppose it.

This is what I mean by rejecting the premise outright. While the author makes true statements in the article, those statements do not carry any weight, because, true-or-not, they are not relevant to the underlying premise — there is no guarantee of free speech in any forum.

I don’t know if it’s naïveté, infection with a meme when the author is unaware of his infection, or a deliberate foisting of an agenda, but the underlying premise is that private companies who operate forums on the Internet are depriving people of their “constitutional rights.”
Companies in charge of seemingly public spaces online wipe out content that’s controversial but otherwise legal.
My response: “and?”
“As we move more of our communications into social networks, how are we limiting ourselves if we can’t see alternative points of view, if we can't see the things that offend us?” asked Fred Stutzman, a University of North Carolina researcher who tracks online communities.
Aside: When you are reading an article, and the words line up in this order: “asked/said {name} ... a university {title} ...” you can pretty safely rewrite the phrase as “asked/said {name} ... a liberal {title} with an agenda.”

If you’re going to speak your mind on whatever topic, the forum is always relevant. This point can be made by way of a few very simple examples. In every case, you’re dealing with a public place. Each place is one where you and everybody else are absolutely welcome. Try doing any of these things or anything similar, and see if the government protects you:
  • Go to the Wal-Mart parking lot and try speaking about a product you want people to purchase, a business you want people to patronize, or a cause you want them to donate to. Strangely enough, [yes, that’s sarcasm] you’ll find that they don’t allow this. They call it “soliciting.” What you are saying is perfectly legal, yet they will ask you to leave or have you escorted away. Yes, it’s a public area, and no, your free speech is not guaranteed.

  • Try going into a bank and talking with every customer who walks in why the bank is crooked, failing, dishonest, has high fees, or why its customers would be better served by a different bank. Interestingly, once again, your speech is not illegal, but where you are giving it, you’re not welcome. The government has no role in “protecting” this freedom of speech.

  • Go to a Pentecostal church. Say “the Holy Spirit is a myth and Satan is my pal.” You will be allowed to do this for just exactly how long? Not very long. One more time, there is no law against what you are saying.
However, say whatever you like about the government — it’s corrupt, too conservative, too liberal, has crappy representatives, whatever — and if the forum where you’re communicating does not object (i.e., you are not violating an express or implied policy by being disruptive or inciting violence,) nothing will be done to stop you.

No law will ever be passed to prevent these types of communications. Publish a book, write a flier, give speeches, say “George Bush Sucks” and “no blood for oil” — what you are doing will not be made illegal.

Aside: George Bush does suck, the fact that I voted for him twice and would not change that notwithstanding. He sucks because he has sacrificed the lives of men and women of the United States who love their country and paid the ultimate price for the protection of Muslim people, who would never have done the same for us. He sucks, because he has increased the national debt. He sucks, because he has increased entitlement spending. He sucks because, despite the fact that he is an intelligent person, he sounds like an idiot when he talks. In short, many people think he sucks because he is not a liberal. Not me. I say he sucks because he isn’t a genuine conservative.

End of diatribe (almost), and you will notice that despite him arguably being the most powerful man in the world (President of the world’s wealthiest and most powerful nation, as well as Commander-In-Chief of the best-funded, best-trained, non-emperialistic military in the world) that nothing is going to be done on Capital Hill that would restrain my speech. He also says “nucular.” Cringe! I just now “didn’t” commit a crime. In a despotic regime, this would indeed be a crime... but there is nothing we can or should do about that. Constitutional rights, human rights, are not protected outside of our borders.


But this is a stark contrast to having the ability to say whatever, whenever, to whoever, in any given forum.
Service providers write their own rules for users worldwide and set foreign policy when they cooperate with regimes like China. They serve as prosecutor, judge and jury in handling disputes behind closed doors.
So? It’s their forum. They judge what to allow and what to prevent. To say they are prosecutor, judge, and jury is far beyond the bounds of reason: They can’t find you liable for prison terms, monetary forfeitures or fines, or the death penalty. They merely set rules and enforce them at their sole discretion — but only in their own forums.
The governmental role that companies play online is taking on greater importance as their services — from online hangouts to virtual repositories of photos and video — become more central to public discourse around the world.
Once again, it is a tremendous stretch to claim that they take on governmental roles. They do not control the lives of unwilling subjects under their power. They can’t tax, they can’t deploy nuclear weapons... nothing they can do is a “governmental role.”

Why do they exercise such control? Should they be stopped? Absolutely not. It’s really quite clear that the United States Constitution simply does not “guarantee” freedom of speech. The only protection is from government interference.

It’s amazing to me how many people are infected with this Freedom of Speech meme. The only thing I can’t discern is whether they are actively pushing an agenda to take their minority opinions mainstream, or whether they’re all a bunch of ignorant dupes.

The United States government does not regulate or control Internet content… so what could they possibly be talking about? After all, what the First Amendment to the United States Constitution doesn’t come anywhere near to guaranteeing freedom of speech. It guarantees that no law made by Congress will abridge (reduce or lessen in duration, scope, authority, etc.; diminish; curtail; deprive; cut off) freedom of speech, or the press, or the right of peaceable assembly — laws can’t be made that would abridge these freedoms.

That is not the same thing as to say that it’s against the law to have these freedoms abridged by anyone other than the government. It isn’t.

How hard is this?
“It’s a fallout of the Internet’s market-driven growth, but possible remedies, including government regulation, can be worse than the symptoms.”
Where to start? It’s not a fallout of anything. It’s just the way things are, and the way things should be. Indeed, government regulation is not a possible remedy of this non-existent problem. I see no “symptoms” that need to be addressed. If you think you have this mythical “freedom of speech,” then you are way, way, way off-base.

Simply put: a radio station or television station doesn’t have to broadcast your opinion. If you think they do, try it. Sure, newspapers have editorials, radio stations have call-ins, and television news programs have guests. But you’re not guaranteed to be a participant.

Even the “public park” analogy in the article at hand falls flat on its face, because if you are annoying someone else, “the law” is still likely to be called and to escort you away from the scene. Notice how the author carefully sidestepped this, saying the police “won’t eject you for your remarks alone.” No, not for what you say, but how you say it and whose face you get into while saying it – these are different matters entirely.

Shopping malls have moved You can’t walk in to Wal-Mart (not even onto their parking lot) and start saying whatever you want to say – it’s their private property. Even though they allow access to their property by the general public, that does not make it a “public place.”

Hmmm, I wonder if there’s a parallel... Internet forums are private property. The owners, managers, custodians of the site have every right to quash anything and everything you post.
"We often get caught in the middle between a rock and a hard place," said Christine Jones, general counsel with service provider GoDaddy.com Inc. "We're obviously sensitive to the freedoms we have, particularly in this country, to speak our mind, [yet] we want to be good corporate citizens and make the Internet a better and safer place."
Neither the rock or the hard place is a fear of violating constitutional regulations. It’s about the delicate balance between angering a speaker and angering an audience — all of which are customers, paying or not, of the online forum.

“First Amendment protections generally do not extend to private property in the physical world, allowing a shopping mall to legally kick out a customer wearing a T-shirt with a picture of a smoking child.”

Well... do coin a phrase, “duh!” The author has disproven the premise of the entire article. But he doesn’t seem to understand the implications of his own words:
“With online services becoming greater conduits than shopping malls for public communications, however, some advocacy groups believe the federal government needs to guarantee open access to speech.”
Of course they do — their content isn’t acceptable to the particular privately-owned Internet forum, and they want Big Government to step in and force providers to abandon practices that are good for business, in favor of practices that guarantee dissenters, cranks, and holders of minority or controversial opinions a “right” to use their forums in whatever way the individual sees fit.

(tap)(tap) Is this thing on?

I’m talking to myself? If you want a forum on the Internet, and you can’t find one that allows what you want to do, there is nothing – zero, zip, nada – stopping you from starting your own web site with anything you want on it. Nobody and no government exercises any control over what United States citizens can do on web sites visited by United States citizens. Simply stated, there is nobody who will stop you.

Sure, I wish The Daily Cos and similar crackpot groups didn’t have a forum. But the beauty is, nobody is required to read their hate and venom. And, despite their apparent hatred of motherhood, baseball, apple pie, and American Exceptionalism, they can’t force it on us, and the government can’t outlaw them.

“But,” you object, “if I started my own forum, it wouldn’t have such as widespread audience as established fora (yes, that is the actual plural of “forums”) like Flickr/MySpace/Facebook” (or wherever).

This is not my problem, and it is not the government’s problem. My argument is, it’s not a problem at all. Businesses do not exist to serve humanity, create jobs, or do anything else other than make money for the owners and shareholders. And government has no business stepping in and imposing regulations on them. Such regulations are not only contrary to good business, they, themselves, would be in direct opposition to free speech: What do you think it is when the author of a blog rejects a comment? It’s free speech on the part of the author. What do you think it is if Flickr blocks your photos? It’s their freedom of expression of their dislike of your content.

It’s really pretty simple. If you oppose it, I doubt your motives are purely in the interest of fairness. Your motives are much more likely to be in the interest of hijacking my forum and making it your forum, using something I pay for to express yourself for free.

Bottom line: Why can’t you go in and speak your mind anywhere on any Internet forum? Simple: it’s because they don’t have to let you! Furthermore, there’s absolutely no reason they should let you.

Does the entire world owe you something? It seems like some people think the answer to that question must be “yes.”

Sorry, but the correct answer is “no.” You are the weakest link.

But if you want to come into my business or even my living room, even if I invite you in, and then start talking to me and my guests about something I don’t want to hear, I have no obligation to allow you to continue.

How is this different than any web site?

There is no freedom of the press unless you happen to own the press. This is right along the lines of my train of thought, here. A newspaper has no obligation to let you speak your mind in their paper, you have no right there, despite the fact that they are protected by the constitution from government interference in what they say.

If you don’t like it, then do what I did — cancel your subscription! That really is the ultimate rejection of their policies, whether we’re talking about newspapers or web sites. The fewer eyeballs viewing their product, the worse off they are. Boycott them. Speak freely against them in a forum they do not control. Those things are fine. They’re great. Congress shall make no law to abridge your right to do so.

But don’t get the government involved in things where it should not be. Even if it suits your agenda at the time, the unforeseen impacts and implications are unspeakably bad.

Simply put: there is no guarantee of free speech, constitutional or otherwise. The only thing the constitution provides protection for is speaking against the government when you do not agree with it or support it.

Try commenting on this blog. I may approve your comment even if I don’t agree — I’m not afraid of dissent — but you will get nowhere on my forum, which is what this is, if you’re a hate-filled, attack-mode liberal. If you disagree, state the facts that support our position. No matter what, if I don’t approve and post your comments, the government will not, cannot, and most especially should not lift a finger against me or in favor of you. And that’s not because I’m right — it’s because I live under the United States Constitution, which doesn’t impose your speech on my forum.

I know a lot of people who hate Fox News (whether they’ve actually watched it or not) because it has a “conservative bias.” The fact is, as this pathetic article helps demonstrate, they may appear conservative, but they are still oftentimes on the “left” side of the truth.

“I’m from the government. I’m here to help you.”

Right.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Willpower and Weight Loss (Part 2)

This post was originally going to be an “ETA” to the previous post, but it’s spurned a significant regurgitation from my fertile mind.

I mentioned that my sister was a “chunker” when she was a kid... it was not an intentional omission, but in total fairness, I should have mentioned my own weight chronology and the differences between us, and it’s occurred to me that there is a lot more information to share on the topic:

One of the differences between us (in addition to the fact that she was “always” bigger, compared to me ) was that her weight gain was distributed across much of her body, while mine was primarily abdominal (also referred to as “visceral”) fat — one of the potential indicators of “Metabolic Syndrome X,” which is not pretty. From the Wikipedia article:
  • Fasting hyperglycemia, diabetes mellitus type 2 or impaired fasting glucose, impaired glucose tolerance, or insulin resistance — bad news for me, right out of the gate. Not hugely elevated, but elevated. Yes, if your metabolism of carbs is like mine, you are at high risk of type-2 diabetes. Welcome to real life. I don’t have this, but I realized that I was on track to get it, if I didn’t straighten myself out, by getting my carb intake under control.

  • High blood pressure — mine was only a little over borderline elevated, typically at 140/90.

  • Central obesity (also known as visceral, male-pattern or apple-shaped adiposity), overweight with fat deposits mainly around the waist — Pot to kettle: come in kettle, this is pot... me again.

  • Decreased HDL cholesterol — HDL is the “good” cholesterol. What is actually more important is the ratio of ”good” to “bad.” I don’ recall what this was.

  • Elevated triglycerides — guess what, kids: triglycerides aren’t related to eating fat. Triglycerides are made from sugar.

  • Associated diseases and signs are:
  • elevated uric acid levels — that’s gout. I never had that.

  • fatty liver (especially in concurrent obesity) progressing to non-alcoholic fatty liver disease — yep, I had a mild fatty liver condition, which I had for years: my “live enzymes,” as measured by the typical group of generic blood tests, had been slightly elevated for 7 years or more, but not elevated enough to cause a doctor to do much about it. I wonder if that’s because they often don’t appreciate what it’s an indicator of. My mother blamed me taking NyQuil, but that wasn’t the case. Alcoholic fatty liver disease is the stage before cirrhosis. Surprise, surprise — once I started down this path, it did not take very long before my liver enzyme tests indicated that this condition had cleared up!

  • polycystic ovarian syndrome — big girls can have a lot more trouble getting pregnant, ,and if they do, they appear to have a higher risk of miscarriage, because their body doesn’t properly manipulate its own hormones during implantation and gestation. PCOS is believed to be triggered by insulin resistance, which is caused by continuous exposure of your body cells to insulin. What do you suppose high insulin levels indicate? Too much blood glucose. Too many carbs. Naturally, doctors treat this by throwing pills at it. Metformin is apparently helpful, but like many medicines, the benefits are negligible compared to the repair that can be done by correcting your diet.

  • hemochromatosis (iron overload) — don’t know if this ever happened to me, but I can tell you that for people like me, a common recommendation is to take a multivitamin that does not include iron. That’s what I do.

  • acanthosis nigricans (a skin condition featuring dark patches) — I don’t have this.
As you can see, if you put these warning signs together, I was boned.

My weight did’t start piling on until I was in my 20’s, when I started porking up from 135 to finally end up at 223, which was the point when a doctor gave me an ultimatim: lose weight, 0r go on high blood pressure medicine. He then sent me to a complete moron cardiologist who was one of the worst pill-pushers I’ve ever met (he added a diuretic, one of the stupidest drugs ever prescribed). When I complained that I was having to go “#1” very frequently every day, he advised me to quit complaining and drink less water. What a genius.

In one of life’s bitter ironies, I was also given a beta-blocker for my blood pressure. In the United States, the medical establishment considered this to be a good thing for a long time. What’s the irony? Beta-blockers may actually increase your risk of type-2 diabetes. Worse still, the “beta-3” receptors in your body are what triggers lipolysis, which is the release of fat from your fat cells — that’s your body’s natural response to a demand for energy when there isn’t enough blood glucose. If you’ve ever felt weak and shaky when your blood sugar was low, this is a contributing factor. Drinking a glass of orange juice or a Coke is a temporary fix, but inevitably leads to a rebound. So much for a fix.

Some beta-blockers such as metoprolol are alleged to be “selective” for which of the beta receptors they are believed to tweak, but I can tell you personally that they will block the release of fat, blocking your loss of weight, and also make you feel weak and jittery. The true fix for high blood pressure is to lose the weight, and this treatment makes it that much worse.

So I took myself off of the diuretic as well as the beta-blocker. I told my doctors outright that I was absolutely not going to take them, and I didn’t care about these being a temporary patch (however little good they actually did, only lowering my blood pressure by a tiny amount). The doctor has threatened to put me back on them, but it’s not going to happen. As I have gotten smaller, so have my blood pressure numbers. Go figure.

If you think about gastric bypass, the “lap band,” and the associated surgeries, what do they do? They force you to eat less. How much more healthy would it be to change your life by changing your appetite — which you can do by getting your carbohydrate metabolism in check, by correcting your diet to cancel out much of the harmful effects of the modern American diet... with none of the unpleasant side effects, and no forced, irreversible changes to your anatomy that will make you miserable, later? Never mind that with these surgeries, you can still ramp right back up to your pre-surgical size... but not if you correct your eating.

And what about “statins,” cholesterol-lowering drugs? Another example of pill-pushing of drugs with very serious potential side-effects, and relatively small benefits.

I should make it clear that I have zero objection to the idea of conventional medications. Sometimes they are very necessary. The important thing to remember is that medications, almost without exception, work by blocking some kind of natural action that occurs in your body. Correct the underlying cause of the problem, and the medication becomes not just unnecessary, but the actual cost/benefit ratio of the drug goes up!

Do I have to say this? I’ll say it anyway: This isn’t medical advice — it’s my opinion, and serves as documentation of my own progress and learning. I don’t go there, and you absolutely, positively, need to contact your doctor before you start following my path. You may not find their attitude helpful — doctors can be very entrenched. I don’t believe there is a conspiracy between doctors and the pharmaceutical companies; I do know, however, that they do tend to have a mindset that excludes simpler treatments for what ails you.

If you decide to follow me down this path, I’m here for you. Seriously. Encouragement, advice, anything I can do to help you reverse your track down this perilous path.

Recapping the fundamentals:
  • Get a general blood chemistry work-up from your doctor. You’ll be glad you did, so that you can see your progress. Don’t get another one done until you’ve been eating like this for about 6 weeks.

  • Do not be afraid of eating fat. Fat is necessary for health. This is one reason breast milk is so good for infants: it contains a lot of saturated fat. How much does that fly in the face of conventional wisdom? I make my case.

  • Be very afraid of anything labeled “lite” or “diet.” Usually, that’s code for less fat, more sugar.

  • Do be afraid of excess “bad carbs.” Fiber is a carbohydrate, so obviously you don’t want to avoid all carbohydrates: just the bad ones. “Bad” doesn’t mean they will kill you, it only means that it will slow down your weight loss.

  • Eat all you want of good foods, but do try to stop before you are totally full. Stop at the “I could eat more, but I am truly satisfied by this food“ point. Eat at least one salad every day, preferably at the start of meals. Take some unsweetened metamucil — it’s pretty nasty, but if you gulp it down, it’s not bad — and it will help fill you up, and add fiber to your diet as a bonus.

  • Pace yourself like this: Read the labels of what you buy and what you eat. For the first week or two, keep your bad carbs around 20 grams a day. When you look at a label, if there are 10 grams of carbs per serving, but 4 of them are fiber, only count 6. Similarly, if you find “sugar alcohol” grams under the carbs section of the label, subtract that number also — because sugar alcohol is still used by the body for energy, but doesn’t trigger your (probably-overworked) pancreas to shoot out a bunch of insulin. After two weeks, start increasing your daily total carbs by 5-10 grams. After your nice start of weight loss, you’ll eventually reach a point where you have increased your carbs to a point where your weight loss slows to a crawl or stops completely. Back off on the carbs a little, and take this as an important lesson: the lesson is, the carbs are what is keeping your weight on! You will have absolute proof of this.

  • Don’t skip any meals, even if you aren’t hungry. “Not hungry?” you ask? “But I’m always hungry.” Not any more. Eating fat, and burning fat, will suppress your appetite. I promise you that with a good breakfast, which means very low carbs and something with some fat (bacon, sausage, butter) that you will work right through lunch and before you know it, it will be after 1:00 pm, and you’ll look at the clock, in shock, wondering how this is possible. Skipping meals triggers your metabolism to drop, which slows your weight loss. You don’t want that.

  • Do not listen to skeptics of this type of eating. Many of them have never tried it, and many others don’t really understand it — there seems to be a perception that you’re eliminating “good carbs” and your meals are nutritionally unbalanced. Nonsense, as you will see.

  • Despite the fact that I hate the “nanny state” mentality of banning this food or that food, trans-fats are very, very bad for you. You’ll usually find the secret language for this in the ingredients list: “hydrogenated” or “partially-hydrogenated” oil of some kind. The oil itself would be good for you; hydrogenating oils is an artificial process that makes them solid at room temperature (think of Crisco), making them not at all good for you.

  • Temporarily stay away from bread, cookies, crackers, potatoes, corn, and anything with carbs that will take you over the daily limit.

  • Remember that a McDonald’s Sausage Egg and Cheese biscuit contains 43 grams of carbs. Throw away the biscuit, and you only have 3 grams of carbs — a fantastic food, good for you, and will actually help you lose weight. If you hanker for a taste of the biscuit, eat just one bite, as “dessert.” I’m telling you — this works. (I usually immediately drop half the biscuit on the floor of the car, so there’s zero chance that I will pick it up and eat it. Even skipping half the biscuit is better than eating the whole thing.

  • Cool-Whip and sugar-free Jello makes a fantastic and satisfying snack. Cool-Whip has a lot less sugar than you might expect. (Yes, Cool-Whip does have confusing information on the label — 0 grams of trans-fat, yet it lists hydrogenated oil in the ingredients. My best guess is that it’s less than 0.5 so they round it down. Not ideal, but if a craving hits you that you can shut down with some Cool-Whip, you will likely be better off than snarfing down a cinnamon roll.)
As I hope you can see, this is a “diet” that does not deprive you, and, in fact, allows you to enjoy a lot of things that conventional wisdom says should make you shriek in horror.

As of Sunday, I was at my lowest weight ever during this weight loss “project” of mine: 183. That‘s 40 pounds lost, with not an inch of surplus skin hanging around. They are not kidding when they say slower is better. But mine would be much faster if I didn’t succumb to the occastional Large Caramel Java Chiller, Chicken Club “toaster” sandwich, or “Island Fire Burger” from Sonic drive-in.

As an aside, I always weigh fully dressed, any time of day. That’s totally the opposite of conventional wisdom, which says you should weigh naked first thing in the morning. Doing it my way, you can weigh whenever it’s convenient, with the added bonus that if you do occasionally weigh without your clothes, you’ll be totally jazzed at what your actual weight really is. They also say to weigh only once a week — but I weigh almost every day. It’s perfectly normal to fluctuate from day to day, so two or three pounds of fluctuation is no problem: what you will notice is that the trend of your weights is downward. When you have an uptick, it can serve as additional motivation to stay on track, because you can always be confident that as long as you stay on the plan, your health will improve, and you will be losing weight, almost effortlessly.

Sounds too good to be true, but I can personally assure you that it is not. I also hope that you believe me that I am not selling vitamins, books, or anything else, and I have no selfish interest in your success at this — I want you to be healthy, with a longer life, and feel better about yourself, whoever you are.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Not Enought “Willpower.” Really?

It’s not uncommon for many people, when they see an overweight person — especially a morbidly obese person — eating pizza, fried chicken, or something similarly delightful, to contemplate (or even voice) how preposterous it seems.

In the words of one of my good friends, “that guy needs to put the fork down!”

People will offer all sorts of excuses for their excess weight... and some of them even seem to be completely oblivious to the impact on their health, as well as the way they appear.

So why don’t they lose the weight?

Many would say it’s a lack of “willpower.”

Maybe. Maybe not.

Growing up, my little sister was kind of a chunker. The various matriarchs in the family did everything they could, guilt-tripping her, patronizing her (“you just need to learn to watch your sweets”) and trying to get her to lose weight, accusing her of all sorts of subterfuge, and especially of lacking that virtue-of-all-virtues, willpower.

I could probably make the claim that I “struggle with my weight,” and get away with making that claim, but it is not entirely true. In fact, it’s not at all true. Since I began my efforts at 223 pounds, I have steadily lost weight... but at an overall rate of less than a pound a month. I’ve been “dieting” for over 3 years, and have 38 pounds of lost weight to show for it. And when I say I’ve been dieting, what I mean to say is that I have been watching what I eat. Not “how much” I eat — but the selections.

Why has it taken me so long? I never yo-yo’ed ... it’s not as if I gained, lost, gained, lost... no, my weight went through up and down cycles of perhaps 3-5 pounds over a few days at certain times, but has never even come close to the 223 where I started, and it never will.

My struggle is not with weight — my struggle is with my appetite. I love things made with sugar and flour. Sometimes donuts, french toast, biscuits and gravy, and things along those lines all sounds so good that I just toss caution to the wind, and eat ’em. It’s not really a conscious decision... I just do it.

So, you say, I have a problem of willpower — or do I?

Scott Adams, the creator of Dilbert, wrote a very bizarre book called God’s Debris: a Thought Experiment. It was one of those books that certain people would not be able to even bring themselves to read, lest the words on the page magically infiltrate their brains and turn them into some kind of satanic mush, or something. Even the chapter on willpower would strike certain nameless people as just too off-the-deep-end to read, but I have to say they had a distinct impact on me, and were one of the keys to me growing enough to shed my self-righteous attitude.

You don’t have to take this at face value... but parts of it certainly make sense to me:
“You’re very fit,” the old man observed.

“I work out four times a week.”

“When you see an overweight person, what do you think of his willpower?”

“I think he doesn’t have much,” I said.

“Why do you think that?”

“How hard is it to skip that third bowl of ice cream? I’m in good shape because I exercise and eat right. It’s not easy, but I have the willpower. Some people don’t.”

“If you were starving, could you resist eating?”

“I doubt it. Not for long, anyway.”

“But if your belly were full you could resist easily, I assume.”

“Sure.”

“It sounds as if hunger determines your actions, not so-called willpower.”

“No, you picked two extremes: starving and full,” I said. “Most of the time I’m in the middle. I can eat a little or eat a lot, but it’s up to me.”

“Have you ever been very hungry—not starving, just very hungry—and found yourself eating until it hurt?”

“Yes, but on average I don’t eat too much. Sometimes I’m busy and I forget to eat for half a day. It all averages out.”

“I don’t see how willpower enters into your life,” he said. “In one case you overeat and in the other case you simply forget to eat. I see no willpower at all.”

“I don’t overeat every time I eat. Most of the time I have average hunger and I eat average amounts. I’d like to eat more, but I don’t. That’s willpower.”

“And according to you, overweight people have less of this thing you call willpower?” he asked.

“Obviously. Otherwise they’d eat less.”

“Isn’t it possible that overweight people have the same amount of willpower as you but much greater hunger?”

“I think people have to take responsibility for their own bodies,” I replied.

“Take responsibility? It sounds as if you’re trying to replace the word willpower with two new words in the hope that I will think it’s a new thought.”

I laughed. He nailed me.

“Okay, just give it to me,” I said, knowing there was a more profound thought behind this line of questioning.

“We like to believe that other people have the same level of urges as we do, despite all evidence to the contrary. We convince ourselves that people differ only in their degree of morality or willpower, or a combination of the two. But urges are real, and they differ wildly for every individual. Morality and willpower are illusions. For any human being, the highest urge always wins and willpower never enters into it. Willpower is a delusion.”

“Your interpretation is dangerous,” I said. “You’re saying it’s okay to follow your urges, no matter what is right or wrong, because you can’t help yourself anyway. We might as well empty the prisons since people can’t stop themselves from committing crimes. It’s not really their fault, according to you.”

“It is useful to society that our urges are tempered by shame and condemnation and the threat of punishment,” he said. “It is a useful fiction to blame a thing called willpower and pretend the individual is somehow capable of overcoming urges with this magical and invisible force.

Without that fiction, there could be no blame, no indignation, and no universal agreement that some things should be punished. And without those very real limiting forces, our urges would be less contained and more disruptive than they are. The delusion of willpower is a practical fiction.”

“I’ll never look at pie the same way,” I said. “But what about people with slow metabolisms? They get fat no matter how little they eat.”

“Have you ever seen pictures of starving people?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“How many of the starving people in those pictures were fat?”

“None that I’ve seen. They’re always skin and bones. But that’s different.”

“It’s very different but still, according to your theory, some of those people should be starving to death while remaining fat.”

I didn’t have an answer for that. I was happy when he changed the subject.

The book had a sequel, The Religion War, which I, after reading a synopsis on Wikipedia, have not bothered to look into any further. Maybe some day.

But that aside, we can still glean the value out of this little lesson, can’t we?

Forget about food and weight for a minute. Consider anything that you have a desire to do, that someone else wants you to think you can’t or shouldn’t do? Sex, drugs, rock & roll, drinking — whatever — and ask yourself if that person is so readily willing to condemn that particular thing primarily because they, themselves, don’t have an appetite for it?

Slam! I think I’m onto something here. It’s much easier to condemn something that you, yourself, don’t particularly enjoy. Weigh that in the balance the next time you have to listen to someone tell you what you can’t, shouldn’t, or even “mustn’t” do. Is the person’s perspective on how you should be actually a reflection on how they aren’t?

Before you look down on someone for something they think or do, consider the probability that you and that person have a different appetite for whatever the issue at hand might happen to be.

To put the final touch to this concept, the only thing that can be done if you want things to be different is to change your appetite. This is not a word game. I don’t mean tell yourself to change it, and expect a *poof* magic change... leave that psychobabble for someone who’s a sucker for it. When it comes to sex, there are diseases; when it comes to drugs, there are bad trips; sometimes these things can change your appetite.

What about food? Clearly, some people, me included, have metabolic issues — but don’t break out the tiny violins for me! If you are like me, your body overreacts to to carbohydrates. A vicious cycle ensues, prompting you to crave (that’s appetite, see?) more... so you eat more, crave more, eat more, crave more.

This is not a game of “woe is me.” Answer this: what does a genuine alcoholic do? He gets off the bottle. There’s very, very little room for moderation. The proverbial slippery slope. The same thing applies here: the highly refined carbs that kick up your cravings have got to go. Eat all the red meat you like. Lose the artery-clogging margarine, and eat real butter. Stay away from white bread and mashed potatoes, except in small quantities, if — and only if — the quantities don’t resurrect your cravings. Our ancestors had bacon and eggs, butter and cheese, and they did fine. What’s our problem? It’s all of the refined junk that our food is made of. Carbs aren’t the problem — tomatoes, carrots, and oranges are all loaded with carbs. But the refined carbs, plus our absolute phobia of eating fat, are ganging up on us to make us fat... and sick.

My total cholesterol is 125. It went down when I started eating eggs and bacon or sausage every day. I often eat a nice fat-filled avocado with chicken and whole mayonnaise at lunch. Shriek with trepidation if you must, but these things are not bad for you. My cholesterol went down.

Incidentally, the next time you even think about buying anything “lite” or “low-fat,” read the labels on the diet junk, then read the labels on the real thing. Almost without exception, you’ll find that when they take away the fat, it’s replaced with sugar. So much for “lite.” Even skim milk has more sugar than whole milk. Skeptical? Look at the labels!

Also, try this: one night, eat potato chips on the couch... the next night, try ham cubes with cheese cubes and green olives. I bet you can guess which one you’ll eat less of... and ironically, that’s the one that will leave you feeling more full, despite eating less.

Trim the refined carbs, don’t fear the fat, and your appetite for sweet and starchy goodness will go down, and will take your cholesterol levels and triglycerides right down with it. No willpower needed.

Oh — and please don’t tell me that the ideal weight chart calculations that doctors use are wrong, because (insert lame excuse here). If you want to believe that, go ahead, but it doesn’t make you right. It only keeps you happy in your obesity.

I’ll see you at 150... if I stop there.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Yeah, Okay, Makes Sense... and Scents

Crack me up... on the News-Talk 740 KRMG Morning News with Joe Kelley, Tulsa’s News on Six meteorologist Alan Crone made an observation that I found amusing.

I was 1/2 to 3/4 asleep, so if it wasn’t Alan, then it was head-weather-dude Travis Meyer... at this point, the only thing I’m sure of is that it wasn’t Katie Green.

Alan observed that we're going have a week of weather “typical of the middle of July.”

It stuck me as funny, because — imagine that — it is the middle of July. So who would have thought we would have weather typical of the season?

Maybe it was funny because I was still asleep.

Joe Kelley apparently has an egg-sucking skunk near his place. It didn’t get inside, and apparently didn’t get under the house, either, because there is a nest of duck-eggs near one of the exterior doors of their house.'

I assume the problem wasn’t someone smoking some “skunk weed.”

For the uninitiated, “skunk” is “a potent strain of cannabis, grown through selective breeding and usually hydroponics, that is a cross-breed of Cannabis sativa and C. indica. Its potency ranges usually from 6% to 15% and rarely as high as 20%, compared to the average THC level in coffeehouses in the Netherlands, which is 18–19%.” The average levels of THC in marijuana sold in United States rose from 3.5% in 1988 to 7% in 2003 and 8.5% in 2006. (Source for all of this amusing nonsense: Wikipedia).

No, I don’t have any, don’t know where to get any, and as I always tell my employer, I will pee in a cup any time, and you will not find any skunk there, either. Or any other kind of weed. Or any other kind of illicit drug. And I’ve never been to the Netherlands.

Did I mention I have ADD? That’s probably important to know, when reading my blog or talking to me in person.
Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Do you want to go ride bikes?

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Oh, look! A puppy!
So how to remedy the problem (Skunk, not ADD)? He’s got a “live trap” that he uses for raccoons, and with his personal Raccoon Relocation Program, he drives them 10-15 miles down the road and lets them go.

His wife said, “shoot it!” ...but he only has a .45 and a pellet gun. The .45 would be overkill, and the pellet gun... well, as he said, he’d have to “sit there all day shooting at it” to do any good with the pellet gun. A listener sent them a text message, saying use a .22, but another listener texted-in, saying not to shoot it — because skunks who are shot allegedly “explode.”

Not something you want a skunk to do. Not now, not ever.

So he decided on the trap... put a can of tuna in it (?) and decided that he would put it in the water (to sleep with da fishes, I suppose). But, he wouldn’t want to pick up the cage, and he didn’t want to lose his trap, so he decided to tie a rope to it so he could retrieve it from the water. (With a dead skunk inside?) Then he had the forethought to not leave the rope coiled by the cage. Perhaps this will be breaking news once he catches it.

Incidentally, skunk scent glands are actually “anal glands” (like small dogs have, and have to get them “expressed” by the vet when they get impacted with fluid. (That’s a contributing factor to the whole floor-scooting thing that dogs do.) They can shoot 7-15 feet, and can be detected by even an otherwise poorly-performing human nose up to a mile away.

Fascinating fact: The chemical in skunk funk is seleno-mercaptan, and the stink in natural gas is ethanethiol, which is also a mercaptan. Hmmm. Wow, mercaptains are even responsible for a class of wine faults caused by an unintended reaction between sulfur and yeast, as well as the “skunky” odor of beer which has been exposed to ultraviolet light. Mercaptans also have the convenient ability to bind strongly to skin proteins. Who knew?

Monday, July 7, 2008

Single and Looking (Part 1)

...I say “Part 1” because I’m almost certain that a sequel to this post is inevitable.

Any more, there’s no shame in going to online dating sites. The biggest problem you face is that so many people are no longer active, and some sites (including, and especially, eHarmony) will match you ad infinitum with people who were likely similarly disgusted and no longer maintain their membership.

Another problem, so I have heard, is getting “JPEG’d” — it’s like getting punk’d, but by someone posting old or unusually flattering images of themselves (younger, thinner, etc.). I haven’t really experienced this, although there have been several profiles I’ve viewed that contain a distinct variety of images, from hot, to mundane, to coyote — of the same girl, in the same profile! Through a chain of coincidences — namely, searching for my own profile to see if it was indeed searchable, then being curious about something the other guy had written — I met a fellow strictly-straight guy who might turn out to be buddy material.

After looking at his profile, I realized that he would be able to tell I had looked, using the “who’s viewed me” functionality of the particular site… so I felt some degree of obligation to e-mail him and say, “hey, bud, I looked at your profile and I swear, I’m totally straight.” I went on to explain why I had looked at his profile: He mentioned the name of a “facility” he had just returned from and made some “lifestyle changes to reflect some choices made there.”

Although it sounded like maybe he had been in rehab or to some kind of counseling center, I researched it and it was some kind of Christian retreat. So, kudos to him. So I told him about my initial impression. He wrote back:
“Funny that you made a crack about a counseling center — fully half the girls I talk to on here NEED some therapy. It’s bad. I’m going to start charging to hear them whine.”
I wrote back. I asked, “dude… only HALF the girls?” I proceeded to give him some brief details of some of my own experiences — one-line summaries with no identifying information. Not that I have had that many of them, but there does seem to be a consistent underlying thread.

His response:
“I only said ‘half’ to be nice. Actually 9 of the past 10 I have met online and in real life turned out to be on meds for depression and anxiety. I wish girls would hide those pill bottles.”
As you know, someone being on meds is not a problem for me, if, after I get to know them, I come to the conclusion that they are genuinely committed to their recovery or maintenance. But if they’re functionally impaired or have a victim mentality, then I’m genuinely sorry, but I have to go. Nobody’s perfect, but I am not a substitute for the right attitude, doctor team, and support group, if necessary. If your life sucks, you need to “shut up, stop whining, and get a life!” That’s the title of a book, by the way — an awesome book — the only “in-your-face” self-help book I've ever read. Even if you don’t think you need it, you very well may need it. If it offends you when you read it, you absolutely, positively, and without question need it.

Back to “the guy” and his horror stories. He met one who was tremendously hot and wealthy, but clingy and needy and on dope. That’s ironic to me, because I’d think a hot girl might just as likely make ME clingy or needy — or at least looking over my shoulder for some guy with bigger pecs, a bigger truck, a bigger house, and a bigger wallet to try to take her away. But I digress.

He says he’s seen some “insanely cute girls” in the 200-pound range, but “the ones that are 250+ and think they are hot stuff” – well, we’ll be nice and say he has a little trouble with that.

Sometimes he waits a couple of months before meeting them in person, and sometimes just a couple of days. Apparently, it doesn’t make any difference.:
“There’s no correlation between chat time and the fun factor or even the nutjob factor.”
By the way, I hate him:
“…these girls are just fallin’ like rain.”
*grumble*

What’s more unusual, is profiles that just don’t make any sense. I don’t mean rambling, I mean “whoa, I don’t understand why this person posted this,” or, “is this a joke?”

Exhibit 1: “If You Really Mean This, You Might Save it for Later.” (no edits made; my comments in italics)
“im 36 white female (I’m with you, so far) looking for a relationship (still with ya) maybe have sex annd get married down the road and to love sombody for once (yow! Okay... although aren’t these kind of backwards? Sex, then Married, then Love? I’m pretty sure some of those are transposed.) i like going to play bingo (uh oh... possibly a “redneck woman”) and i like shoping (You like to shope, huh? Hold on to your wallet, guys) and i also like to go to amusement parks (okay) im looking for someone that likes to have fun and dont mind haveing sex (is she looking for someone who “dont” mind haveing sex? Do you know any guys who “do” mind? Although — follow me here — this sentence is actually grammatically ambiguous: the phrase “who dont mind” might be describing him — as in, “I’m looking for someone that ... don’t mind haveing sex;” or, it could be describing her — as in, “I ... dont mind haveing sex.”) i also liketo be spanked (whoa, back up the truck!) and likes going out have a good time”

“i like mostly scary movies like my favorite is poltorgiest and i like comadie like sata clause i have a wole bunch of movies that we can watch at night i dont read very much it hurts my eyes and i get headaches if i read to long i like haveing fu” (My guess is that it also hurts her brain.)
Now, it could be that this chick is kidding... but, then again, we’re in Oklahoma. I messaged her to see which it was. If she’s for real, she probably doesn’t have any free time. Never heard back.
Exhibit 2: “Great Sense of Humor, Had Me Going for a Minute”

Be sure to read the whole thing.
“Hey there y’all.

Well I’m single again!

My old man got caught steeling me some beer and cigs from the 7 eleven so he’s back in jail again. Guess I won’t be getting no child support from this one either.

I do get my welfare check and it’s a big one cause I got so many kids. I’m home all the time cause I don’t work so I can go out anytime you want.

I’m in pretty good shape for having so many kids and I like to work out (under the sheets).

I’m looking for a good man.

It’s ok if you been in jail before. I understand we all make mistakes. As long as you got a job and can afford my beer and cigs (you can’t buy them on food stamps) drop me a line….and buy the way…I got false teeth if you know what I mean

...

Hope you got a sence of humor....I love to laugh and make others around me laugh. Contrary to the previous paragragh, I do have a job, a house, a car, and my own teeth. I like going to the movies, taking walks, reading a good book and a variety of other things.

Now I have a few questions about the men on here....Why do you post pictures of your boat or your motorcylces? Do you think the women on here pick the guy with the biggest boat or motorcycle? Let me tell you....most of us could care less about what type of ride you have. And another thing....what is up with the pictures in the tighty whities and boxers? The bare chest pics are one thing but anything more than that is just a little too much info.And one last thing...those of you that post that you are younger than you really are....do you think we are stupid? If you look 60 and post that you are 45 you arent fooling anyone!”
She can’t spell to good, but she gots her a sensahumor! Her questions at the end confirm some things other female friends have told me — guys post the strangest pictures, including pictures of their ’ner and harbls. I may be clueless when it comes to women... but not that clueless.

Exhibit 3: “I guess we really are in Oklahoma.”

This stuff wears me out when I read it on a profile. It’s just totally not my scene, and I don’t really understand why so many people include it. Are they trying to find a redneck of their very own?
“...likes camping, fishing, boating, horse back riding, hiking ... dirt-bikes ...”
What is up with this? The only things she didn’t mention were NASCAR and motorcycles. Although, I guess that’s covered in “dirt-bikes,” since I assume she doesn’t mean a 20” Huffy Pro Thunder III like I had in elementary school. Yep, this message is brought to you by the state whose motto is “Oklahoma is OK.” Meh. Don’t get me wrong, I do like it here, because there are a lot of down-to-earth people. I tell people, “I was born in Texas, but I got here as fast as I could.”

Exhibit 4: “Be Careful What You Click For”

I have a friend who is sweet, and innocent, and I stumbled across her profile. This is a family blog, so if any minors are reading this, please click the red “X” at the top right corner of this window, and click quickly.
“Looking for Fetish, Group Sex, Sexual Relations, Online Flirting, and Other”
Lions, and Tigers, and Bears — Oh, my! Needless to say, this did not fit my image of her at all, but then again, “you can’t trust the quiet ones.” So I sent her a chat request on Live Messenger... had a little question to ask. She denied everything except “Online Flirting, and Other.” (I don’t know what “other” is.) In her defense, those were check-box options on the profile, and apparently you have to un-check what you do not want ... she plead absolute ignorance, and changed her profile. I believe her about 99% because we did go out a couple of times and she never showed any sign of this. I mean zero.
Stay tuned for more adventures in online dating…

Friday, July 4, 2008

It’s Called “Independence Day” — But Thank You For Playing


“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”


George Santayana, The Life of Reason, Volume 1, 1905


(You probably thought that was Winston Churchill, didn’t you?)

My all-time favorite radio station, News-Talk 740 KRMG (Tulsa), like all news-talk stations, television “journalists,” newspaper “journalists,” and magazine “journalists,” has had a lot of news stories, interviews, and commentary about Independence Day.

No, wait — not exactly. Without notable exception, they call it “The 4th of July,” not “Independence Day.”

I have a problem with this, and I’m convinced that this is not just a petty grievance or officiousness on my part. It’s also not on parallel with the way it annoys me when people call it “Daylight Savings Time,” instead of what it is: “Daylight-Saving Time.” That one makes people look ignorant, but it truly is trivial. Not this:

You hear it all the time: “Have a happy 4th!”

What is “The 4th of July” about, anyway? Hotdogs on the grill? Fireworks? Long weekend (if it falls on a Friday or a Monday)? It would seem that way.

You may scoff at my obdurateness but here’s my response: Words Mean Things. It is no trivial matter what we call things. To my mind, this widespread trend indicates that what we’re celebrating is the holiday we remember from last year and the fact that we get another one this year.

Or, are we celebrating the approval by the Continental Congrefs (lol, I just love putting that silly “f” in place of the “s”) of the United States Declaration of Independence?

I’m thinking: Not so much.

Why do I mention Santayana’s quote at the top of this entry? I’m convinced that aside from the fact that the general populace seems to be becoming more and more clueless all the time, there are many, many people who do not appreciate, respect, or perhaps even believe what got this nation going so many years ago (or so few, from the perspective of the history of civilization).

The people I’m specifically talking about are those who do not recognize God, and the undeniable influence he has had on the prosperity of this nation. As we move further and further away fromHim, we jeopardize that very same prosperity.

I’m not going to tell anybody how to live, because God knows (literally) how far off-base I am in my own less-than-stellar example to others. Directly or indirectly, He has taught me humility.

But to snub ones nose at God… bad idea eternally, but also a bad idea here and now.

Who is God, anyway?

Hint: it’s not Krishna, it’s not Vishnu, and it’s not Allah, God of those who treat their own women as chattel and are generally neurotic and murderous.

No, God is Jehovah; Yahweh; the God of the Jews first, and now the God of the Christians. He’s the only non-imaginary God in the universe. (Despite what one of my idiot high school history teachers tried to pump into my skull-full-of-mush, Jehovah and Yahweh are the same.)

What did our forefathers think about God? What are the implications of this for today?

Read every single word I have included here, from the United States Declaration of Independence:

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.

Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.

(I have omitted the next section, which lists the colonists’ grievances against King George of England, from whom they were declaring their independence.)

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

Yeah, you tell me what the founding fathers thought of God. Do you enjoy the freedom and prosperity that this nation fosters? Can you feel, in your gut, the fear these great men must have felt when drafting this document? They shook up the world, with entreaties to God, for the noble purposes of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

So what will you call today? “Independence Day?” I hope so.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Irritation May Work, but it's Still Irritating!

There are certain major advertisers’ commercials that drive me completely insane.

I am so sick of hearing the Blue Bell Ice Cream commercials. Yes, their ice cream is good, but no, I simply want to gag when I hear the ads.

It’s a man, with a pathetically syrupy voice, singing:

I remember our old country home
Clean fresh air and flowers
Growing in the field
Along the path
Beside our swimmin’ hole
And mama hollerin’ thu [through] the screen,
“Would yew kids like some homemade ice cream?”
That was such a simple time and place.
Blue Bell tastes just like the good ol’ days.

Blecccch! I’m not diabetic but this makes me absolutely crave insulin.

Aside from the sappy voice, the “country” accent of the singer, the “good ol’ days” were nothing of the sort. It might be more true-to-life if it went something more like this:

I remember our drafty country house
Getting up too frickin’ early
To milk the cows
And walk to school
Uphill in snow both ways
And mama hollerin’ at my pop
“You worthless drunk, keep beating me, I’ll call the cop.”
We ate our cheese with help from Uncle Sam
It’s amazing I turned out as good as I now am.

The “good ol’ days sucked.”

One of my favorite books is The Good Old Days — They Were Terrible! by Otto Bettmann, who documents how nostalgia is a wicked mistress.

This one even outranks the previous heavyweight champion of radio commercial advertising, “rich chocolate” Ovaltine… that lovely product made of sugar, malt extract, cocoa and whey, whatever the frick whey is (It sounds nasty, and all I really know is that it’s something Miss Muffet ate on her tuffet, while watching for spiders. She also ate “curds,” which is the only thing I can think of that sounds even less appetizing than “whey”).

In these irritation-fests known as commercials, not only is the dialog stilted, Nestle’s Quick (“Nesquick”) almost always trashed for being not as good for you, but worst of all: the kids (and sometimes the friggen adults) at the end shout in annoying unison, “more ovaltine, please!”

If you’re not familiar with it, (a) you’re lucky, and (b), I have found an example, so you can have some torture: here, on You Tube is actually a TV commercial from years gone by, but the content of the commercials is largely similar — and the annoyance factor at the end is unmistakable.

“More ovaltine, please!?!?” Oh, puhleez!