The letter itself is at the bottom of this post.
If you came here looking for humor, there is a lot of it here... but not in this particular post. I apologize for the somber tone of this article, but sometimes, when you’re touched by something, “ya gotta do what ya gotta do.” I didn’t realize when I started watching Saturday’s “America’s Most Wanted” that my
concept of “low-life” could sink to a new level.
Meet Monica Bentley. She had to run from a stalker. A very serious, sicko, psycho... and it turned out, murderous... stalker.
Ironically, it wasn’t an ex-fiance or even an ex-boyfriend. Her only “crime” was befriending a man who had a detachment from reality, coupled with an evil heart and a lack of regard for life. Her reward for being friendly was to find herself and her family being terrorized .
Her family had to move, they changed their phone numbers, they got different cars, got a restraining order (after a lot of legal hassles) and generally lived in fear.
After having to put up with this behavior for months and months, she meets an interesting new guy. She likes him and, presumably, she begins to have feelings for him. At one point, she agrees on the phone to go pick him up at the hotel where he’s staying, for an innocent daytime outing.
However… when she arrives at the place where he’s staying, she’s met by none other than Mr. Stalker, who promptly shot her — first in the ankles, just to be hateful, and then three times in the chest.
As I heard this story unfold, I assumed that the stalker had intercepted her telephone calls and thereby knew where he could find her.
But not so much.
It was all a set-up. The stalker had conspired against her — with the new guy as his new accomplice — in the cruelest game imaginable: manipulating her heart to earn her trust and set her up to be a murder victim.
Is there anything more cruel? Can you even think of anything that would turn your life upside-down in an instant, than to find that you’d been romanced by a fraud artist and now you’re looking squarely into the barrel of a gun? I can’t.
The good news? She survived! I don’t know her ultimate prognosis, but for now, she has to use a wheelchair for mobility. She seems like a strong young woman. But I’m quite sure she has physical and emotional scars that she doesn’t deserve… rendered at the hand of a crazy person.
I’m writing this for — I guess — three reasons. First, her story was moving to me because of the cruelty involved; second, because being stalked is a miserable experience, and perhaps I can say something that might be helpful to someone in that environment; and third, stalking is relevant because I’m involved in “Internet dating.” Like so many, I’m hoping to meet a new, special woman somewhere out there, and those women brave enough to make themselves available on the Internet always have the possibility of being subjected to the “attention” of a stalker — a sick, probably lonely man who in his misdirected desperation, annoys her, torments her, threatens her, or harms her. Guys face that risk, too, although my instinct tells me that as a general rule a male stalker would be more of a threat than a female one.
I’ve been stalked, myself, by an Internet “friend.” I probably got lucky: I only found a “mini-stalker” for myself. One who was “in love” with me before we ever actually met. If you can imagine, in your mind, the voice of an unstable person — changing at the drop of a hat from demure to edgy and cracking. You can almost imagine the twitch in her hand and the veins on her neck and forehead as she became angry at my various imagined “slights.” She never threatened to hurt me, although she did threaten to hurt herself — trying to persuade me to “stay with her.”
Believe me when I say this: threatening suicide will not “persuade” an emotionally healthy person to stick with you. Besides, Oklahoma police officers have a handy document called a “third-party affidavit.” You threaten suicide to me, I sign the form attesting to that fact, and the state of Oklahoma will give you three nights of free room and board and professional care to see you through your traumatic emotions.
Suicidal thoughts and threats are very, very serious business. Do not threaten it in my presence, because you will be taken seriously.
If you are on the receiving end of a threat, Dial 911 — do not second-guess yourself or try to do your own evaluation of whether the person is “serious about it” or not — professionals will take care of it for you.
Now, to be sure, I’m not trashing the Internet or Internet dating. As far as I know, Monica’s interactions with her stalker had nothing to do with the Internet. It had more to do with him being a predator on younger girls. She may not have seen some of the warning signs, early on, but it’s not a character defect to assume the best in people.
The Internet is nothing more than a venue. Anyone can unknowingly become involved with a stalker — you could meet one at the store, at the laundromat, even at church.
However — man or woman, guy or girl, you need read this, and apply it to yourself. It’s gender-neutral. Believe it:
If your love is unrequited, or someone doesn’t want to be with you, or even seems ambivalent about being with you, communicate your confusion with them — once. Ask them outright what they are thinking about you. Ask them what their opinion is of a future “us.” If they are negative in their response, you need to let them go. It really doesn’t matter how strongly you feel about them — if it’s not entirely mutual, you need to focus on finding someone else, and put them out of your mind. They may seem to be the most wonderful, desirable person ever — or, you may feel like you simply could never want, or be happy, with someone else… but you simply have to believe me that there are others and that you will be fine without them. You have to.
If you’re concerned that you may be letting something irreplaceable get away, you genuinely need to ditch that concern: if the relationship were irreplaceable, the other person would feel it too. The fact that they don’t, illustrates that. The mistake you may be making is that they need to be persuaded, that you need to “show them.” If you’re a logic-oriented person, like me, that concept may seem sensible to you, but I’m genuinely sorry: it isn’t like that.
The important thing for you to know is that it’s out of your hands. It’s also important to know that if the person’s desire for you is not mutual, it truly may not be about you, at all.
People carry, in their subconscious, a “love map.” This map is what dictates the characteristics that someone finds attractive, or unattractive. If you don’t fit someone’s map, you need to accept the way the mind works. Myself, I used to believe that everyone was either attractive, or unattractive. What I’ve learned over the years is that it’s all subjective. So it may not be anything you said, did, didn’t say, or didn’t do. It may be just the way it is.
Can’t bear it? One letter is fine. More than one letter is not. If they ignore you, that means something. If, after hearing what you think or feel, they remain ambivalent, or (heaven forbid, right?) they “just want to be friends,” you absolutely must take that response at face value.
If you can’t genuinely accept having them only as a friend and never anything different, you still have to let them go, and let them go completely, because there is absolutely nothing that you can do to change their minds. You will push them further away if you try. Nature is in the lead in relationships, and there’s nothing you can do to change nature.
Watching them from a distance is not cool. Calling them repeatedly is not cool. If they want to talk, they have your number.
Consider your thoughts and behaviors and compare them to this list, which is a combination of things I found in various other resources (such as
this one), coupled with my own thoughts and observations. If you feel a desire to do any of the things on the list below, or if you actually do them, you are — at best — in an unhealthy relationship or — at worst — you are already stalking them. Either way,
you are in a situation where you need to set this person aside and move on. If this is a recurring pattern with you, then you need to consider the very likely possibility that you need help understanding how relationships are supposed to work.
- calling them or texting them more than once despite the fact that you get either no response or an ambivalent response;
- watching them without them knowing that you’re watching;
- following them;
- attempting to interact with their parents, friends, or relatives, especially when you don’t know what they might think of it;
- attempting to interact with their children, under any circumstances;
- feeling that you need to know where they are, who they’re with, or what they’re doing;
- doing blunt and out-of context things, like proposing marriage or asking for sex when you don’t really have a reason to believe the answer would be yes;
- trespassing;
- sending repeated letters, e-mail, instant messages;
- sending them gifts that could be described as romantic, bizarre, sinister, perverted, or even — and this is important — practical, when you’re not sure what they will think of your gift or the fact that you gave it to them;
- feeling the want or need to “rescue” or “save” them — from their life, lifestyle, problem, or another relationship;
- talking about them online, in your blog or another forum, especially if you use their name;
- telling stories about them;
- thinking about hurting them, yourself, or anyone else; or
- damaging any property.
Be honest and evaluate yourself. If you are doing these things, it may be because they seem perfectly sensible to you, or because you don’t know what else to do; however, I assure you, these things are a sign that your feelings and the other person’s feelings are not in sync, and you need to let them go because you are bordering on unacceptable behavior.
If, as you read this, you find that you’re doing some of these things — or, if you find that you don’t understand why some of the things I’ve described are a problem — you need to get some objective help from an outside source — and don’t be ashamed of this. Counselor, therapist, psychologist, and psychiatrist are all frightening terms; however, you need to find one, see them, be 100% open and honest, and ask them their opinion.
As for Monica,
she says she has learned that “obsessive behavior, calling 30 times a day, checking your personal belongings and being jealous when you are with friends,” are not healthy — they are clear signals of things being not at all right between two people.
I haven’t used the word “stalking,” as much as I might have in this post, because it is a very ugly word, as is the word “obsessed.” I suspect that many stalkers — those who would never contemplate doing something to anyone like what was done to Monica — genuinely don’t realize that they are being stalkers. Seriously. Someone who’s been a victim of a stalker may not see how that could be possible, but from things I’ve observed people do, it’s true.
The anterior
cingulate gyrus is part of your brain’s
limbic system is believed to not only regulate your heart rate and blood pressure, but also has a role in regulating what you give your attention, mental focus, and thoughts to. If your anterior cingulate gyrus doesn’t function as it should, your mind may get stuck in a gear — locked in on a particular thought that “logic” or “reason” would dictate it doesn’t need to be stuck in — but you’re stuck, all the same.
If this sounds at all like you, professional help is in order.
Where do I get this insight? I’ve never stalked anyone, but in the past I have dealt with mild Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). My only obsessions were related to physical security and safety — did I lock the doors at night? Did I lock the doors when I left home? Did I turn off the coffee pot? Did I unplug an appliance? Is my house burning down at this moment? Some of these things are seemingly-harmless. You may be wondering why I seem to be saying they’re a big deal. That’s just the problem — while they are perfectly normal things that cross everyone’s mind from time to time — for me, they didn’t just “cross” my mind: they got stuck there, and they were very disruptive.
Imagine that you leave the house, lock the door, get in the car, head for work, but your mind can convince you that you didn’t lock the front door... so you turn around, and go back to the house to check. Yes, the door is locked... so you get back in the car, pull out of the driveway. So far, no problem, right?
But as you back out of the driveway, you stop again: When you checked the door, did you check it correctly? Are you sure you locked it? Better go check again...
Your brain gets so fixated on the thought that “the door might be unlocked,” that you can even discard the solid evidence that you, yourself, locked it.
This may make me sound nuts, and I admit — it’s strange. But it's a behavior caused by a physical brain issue, and not something you can “reason” your way out of. If you try to convince someone with OCD that they are worried about “nothing,” you will only annoy them (at best) or agitate them (at worst).
I suspect a lot of cases of stalking spring from the same mental mechanism. The logical conclusion is that this may explain why a stalker won’t accept “no” for an answer.
I got help for OCD, and I’m absolutely fine now. I lock my door and drive away. But there’s really no way for me to communicate just how real these worries were at the time. Fortunately for me, my “obsessions” involved objects and actions and were harmless — but can you imagine if these obsessions were focused on another human?
I think the word I’m looking for here is definitely “stalking.”
You could be doing it, without realizing it. Do whatever you have to, for yourself, to face the issue, and seek help. There is nothing the object of your “affection” can do for you. And this honestly is not about them at all — remember, they’re the “object” of your obsession. You have to do something for yourself, and the first step is admitting that fact.
If you’re being stalked, it’s a hard decision you face — you may be afraid of telling the person outright that you simply do not want to have any involvement with them. That would seem to be the best thing, but it is not likely to “get through.” But at least at the beginning, disssolve an unhealthy relationship quickly, and in no uncertain terms. Unfortunately, trying to “spare someone’s feelings” can backfire.
As for me, I’m convinced — disappointing as it may seem — that whether or not someone I meet is “the one for me” is actually something that me and the other person can only speculate on right now or in the near future. We won’t really know until we’ve been through a lot of joy and pain together, and looking back, we find that we can say, “I’m glad we chose each other. You really were the one for me, and I wouldn’t trade you for anyone or anything.”
If you’re out surfing the net for romance, don’t be so suspicious that you run away everyone, but do run — fast — from contradictions, inconsistencies, and premature professions of eternal and undying “love.” Attraction is a wonderful thing. Having a crush on someone feels great. But confusing these things for “love” leads to unnecessary pain, heartbreak, disillusionment... and when the would-be stalker is the one who doesn’t get this, and understand that it’s not something you will never feel again, I think this may be one of the seeds of obsession — the fear of losing something you believe you won’t recapture — that sends their already-unbalanced mind reeling.
Dear Monica,
It’s amazing you well you seemed to have pulled through. Your story inspired me to write this. I have no idea if anyone will read it, learn from it, or whether it will help someone, but I hope so.
I want to add my voice to the multitude of family and friends that remind you that this wasn’t your fault, you didn’t deserve it; it seems to me that your attacker was some form of sick, coupled with evil, and lack for respect of life. I don’t know if, to you, the phrase “sick” or “mentally ill” sounds like I mean to imply that he’s somehow not responsible (or less responsible) — or is somehow “less” culpable for the harm he brought to you by his actions — but I assure you, I don’t mean it that way. I also don’t care what the “sick/evil” ratio is – his punishment should be based on his actions, not his motivation.
I know you’re in school, and you’ve become an activist for this cause. I applaud you. Presumably you’re not in a hurry to be involved with anyone in the near future — but when that time comes, I hope you don’t see your physical or emotional scars as somehow making you “damaged goods.” You deserve unspeakable kudos for coming out publicly with your attempted murderer still at large.
I don’t know how you held on through the anxiety and restless nights of the original stalking, or how you pulled through. You seem like you must be an incredibly strong person, but PTSD and other complications can color your life in a way that makes it difficult to go on from day to day. I suspect you’re undergoing or have undergone counseling and treatment, but don’t be ashamed to go for that in the future, if the need arises. Sometimes it can’t be avoided, and is not an admission of weakness.
Best wishes on your road to recovery.
