This has been a joke for so long, that I frankly don’t understand how it persists. Not the joke, the practice. I would expect to get laughed out of the industry if I provided products to people who did not know how to read English, and did not provide instructions written (translated) by someone who actually knows how to write in the reader’s native language.
What’s more, just about all electronics come with various warnings that you usually should observe. Someone reading these instructions might never read instructions again – on anything.
As you know from reading previous posts, I listen to News-Talk 740 KRMG very loyally every morning from around 5:45 until 8:00. ... generally until Boortz comes on. I like Boortz, but not as well as first place Rush, or distant 2nd place Hannity. Granted, Rush is #1 for a reason, not just the nation but with me, but the actual beefs (plural of “beef” should be “beeves,” should it not?) I have with Hannity and Boortz are Hannity’s accent (his commitment to principles is exceptional) and Boortz’s poor audio quality (good commentator, too, if just a bit kooky at times). It reminds me of a Comrex 2-line analog frequency extender I used in the early 90’s. These are no longer even referenced on the Comrex web site, and I doubt that’s what this is, but it does sound like one. One last thing in Boortz’s defense: I’m intrigued by his “fair tax” idea – so much that I might even buy his book.
So for my morning pre-Boortz edutainment, I started with a radio in the living room. Moved it to the bedroom, then added a second radio next to the coffee pot (I have my priorities, see). The only important place that this neglects is the bathroom. I live alone, so leaving the door open is a practical (though, for whatever reason, still undesirable) possibility – but it doesn’t matter, since leaving the door open doesn’t help anyway: I still can’t hear what they are saying over the noise of the shower (a pleasant sound, but noise nonetheless).
Can we get back on topic? Please?
So, I went to Wal-Mart to investigate waterproof/water resistant radios for the shower. I figured they’d be around $20, but wasn’t sure exactly where they’d be – stuff in Wal-Mart is not always organized by application like you think it might be.
I was going to get DV tapes for my camcorder anyway, so I asked a guy in electronics if he knew whether they had any such animal, and where I might find them. He walked over to the cheap boom boxes, and voila – there they were, and strangely enough, only $5. For that, I knew I would be able to get my valued news-talk programming in the shower, whether or not the fidelity belied the price. Incidentally, both “the guy,” and the woman who checked me out both commented along the lines of “wow, $5? I should get one myself!”
Back at the house, and after a serious struggle with the "anti-theft" packaging, I was victorious.
Being just “the kind of guy I am,” I read the instructions. I’m really insistent on this, no matter how simple the device seems to be, because there might be a cool or strange function that isn’t intuitively obvious from the controls. It isn’t helpful, however, if the instructions are nonsensical.
Granted, these mistrasalations are more aptly described as “poor English” or “poor choice of words,” since they are not on par with some other examples you may find if you search the Internet... examples like:
- “Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.” – Japanese Hotel
- “You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.” – Japanese Hotel
- “Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.” – Japanese Bar
What we have here is a collection of instructions that contradict the obvious, as well as in some cases contradict each other, in addition to the whole “language barrier” thing. This, to me, is an indication that the person in charge of proofing the documentation was, at best, asleep. I wonder if this is an untapped market: translating “Engish” into English.
Here we go.
Remember, now, this is a radio specifically intended to be used in the shower.
User Safety Guide: Important Safety Precautions, #3: “To prevent fire or shock hazard, do not expose this appliance to rain or water.” So, like cigarettes, even if you use it for its intended purpose, it will apparently kill you anyway. And a fire or shock from 4 “AA” batteries. I will have to be careful about this.
User Safety Guide: Important Safety Instructions, #5: “Water and moisture – the appliance should not be used near water. For example: near a bathtub, kitchen sink, laundry tub, and/or swimming pool.” Well, good to know that I have now been warned twice not to use it for its intended application. Also, do any of you use a “laundry tub?” If you do, do you use it in the shower?
User Safety Guide: Important Safety Instructions, #8: “Cleaning: The appliance should be cleaned with a dry cloth.” After use in the shower, I suppose that would be important, or possibly not...
User Safety Guide: Important Safety Instructions, #12b: “The appliance should be serviced by qualified service professional when the appliance is exposed to rain.” Again, this is so much different than the shower... besides, where exactly do you find a “qualified service professional” for a $5 shower radio? Joe’s Lawn Mower, Screen Door, Fiber Optic, Radio & TV Repair? Yellow Pages or White Pages?
User Safety Guide: Important Notes, #2: Do not attempt to clean the unit with chemical solvents as this might damage the finish. (...the plastic finish). Use a clean, dry cloth. So, despite the fact that this radio has a nice, round mirror in the middle, I guess Windex™ is out of the question, as is anything to remove soap scum.
User Safety Guide: Beware (beware?!) of Condensation: ...if you are going to use the player in a condition where condensation could occur, you should leave the player in a dry place for 1 or 2 hours before operating the unit, depending on the amount of condensation. My shower doesn’t have condensation... does yours? Yes? Really? So keep it dry before you get it wet. Fantastic help, here.
User Safety Guide: Spash Resistance: “This unit has been constructed to resist mild steam and light splashes from the shower or bath only. (Good, since I often make splashes in the “bath” that hit the wall just under the shower head, where the radio hangs, and the steam from a typical shower is mild.) It should not be operated under running water (dang, that’s what I was going to do!) and under no circumstances should it be fully immersed in water. (Fair enough, I guess.) This unit isn’t a water-resistant device.” Well, I guess that depends on what the meaning of the word “is” is. I guess there’s a really, really fine line between “water-resistant” and “splash-resistant,” despite the likelihood being that the splashes will be largely comprised of water.
Getting Started: “Unpack the package...” Well, I did that before I could get to these instructions, but thanks. “We recommend you retain the original carton and packing materials for future use, should you transport or ship the unit in the future.” For my DVD player or computer, maybe. For a $5 radio... umm... not so much.
Getting Started: “...with alarm clock function...” Wow, it’s one of those “special features” I was looking for in a shower radio: an alarm clock! What’s this for – in case I fall asleep in the shower, or am actually planning a nap there? It can’t be that, since there is no snooze button. I will concede that having a clock on the short is kind of cool.
Getting Started: Important Note: “To save the environment, please properly throw the replaced batteries away according to your local regulations.” Don’t recycle ‘em, but do throw them away properly. I was going to mix them with bananas and ‘nilla wafers, and make that old summer camp favorite, “alkaline pudding.” Glad they told me this, because I did not realize that I, myself, could in fact save the environment by throwing the batteries away... properly.
Operational Instructions: Listening to Radio, #1: “Rotate the volume control knob clockwise to... adjust it to the desired sound level.” Stay with me, here...
Operational Instructions: Listening to Radio, #2: “Set the radio band by pressing either AM or FM button.” I mean it, stay with me...
Operational Instructions: Listening to Radio, #3: “Adjust the tuning knob to tune in your favorite radio station.” I guess that’s mandatory – I wouldn’t want to use this for “just any” station I like... only my favorite. But consider the order of steps #1, #2, and #3. How exactly do I adjust the volume control to the “desired sound level” before I tune to my “favorite” station? They’re all different volume levels... see, I told you to stick with me on this one.
Operational Instructions: Tips for Getting Better Reception: “This unit has the built-in AM/FM antennas, and the radio reception quality depends on the surrounding circumstance. (Really?) If you reside in the poor reception area, the radio reception might not be good...” (and if you are unfamiliar with a radio, this is good info.)
Aside: Dogbert’s Tech Support: User: “I don’t know how to use my E-Mail.” Dogbert: “You need to upgrade your I.Q. a few points. Try listening to classical music.” User (staring at radio on table): “My old nemesis, Mister Radio, we meet again.”Operational Instructions: Tips for Getting Better Reception: “...in this case, move or rotate the main unit around to get the best reception in your residence area.” Good thing I wasn’t planning to use this in the shower at the office. And how, exactly, am I supposed to move or rotate the main unit when it is hanging flat against the wall, via a rope, under the shower head? I’ll call a plumber and see if he can help me.
Operational Instructions: Turning on the Alarm Function #3: “to turn off the alarm sound while alarming... press the Al On/Off button once. The alarm sound will be turned off at that moment, and it will alarm you at the same time on the following day. Yes, alarm clocks can be alarming to me. And, it’s good to know that the alarm will turn off “at that moment,” rather than at some arbitrary later time. The “same time the following day” ... what, the time I turned it off? At that moment?
Operational Instructions: Turning on the Alarm Function #3: “...press the Al On/Off button until the alarm indication disappears (poof!?) from the display. It will not alarm you at the preset time until you set it on again.” Good, I don’t like to be alarmed. It won’t alarm me “at the preset time,” and hopefully not any other time either, until I “set it on” again. Good.
Maintenance and Troubleshooting Guides: Maintenance Guide: “Keep this unit away from the commuter, magnetized tickets or personal credit cards, recorded tapes, etc. The speaker magnet in the radio may damage them.” That’s lame. How am I supposed to get any work done on my shower laptop “commuter” if I can’t have it near my shower radio? Not to mention the magnetic video tapes I keep in the bathroom medicine cabinet (seemed like the perfect place, with heat and high humidity). Bummer too, because I often take my personal (not business cards, just personal cards) into the shower practice memorizing my CVV2 codes. You just never know.
Maintenance and Troubleshooting Guides: Maintenance Guide: “Do not use benzene, thinners, or any abrasive powder to clean the cabinet. Wipe wit with a soft cloth moistened with a mild soap and water solution.” Well, now I have absolutely no use for the handy bottle of benzene that I keep in the shower. I keep it in a bottle marked as if it contains “Hawaiian Punch” for the sake of the kids. Hopefully, they do not like Hawaiian Punch, but I am not certain about this. But more importantly, I am now permitted to use water (and even soap!) instead of just the clean, dry cloth I was warned to use exclusively, earlier in the instructions. Which directive takes precedence anyway? The first one to appear in the instructions, the one in the middle, or the one at the end?
Maintenance and Troubleshooting Guides: Troubleshooting Guide: “If you experience difficulties in the use of this unit, please check the followings before calling for customer service.” I’m sure customer service would be helpful and patient and everyone will speak clear English on the phone for me. But I’ll try your tips first:
Symptom: Noise or sound distorted on AM or FM broadcast
Possible Cause: The radio station is not tuned properly for AM or FM.
Solution: Tune the AM or FM broadcast station again. Wow, I would not have thought of this one.
Symptom: Noise or sound distorted on AM or FM broadcast
Possible Cause: The radio signal is weak, or the reception is poor. Okay, but let us be clear... the “reception is poor” is a symptom, not a cause.
Solution: Reposition the unit until the best reception is obtained. We’ve been through this – it hangs from the shower head against the wall. What now?!
Symptom: No radio sound.
Possible Cause: The radio is not turned on.
Solution: Turn on the radio. These helpful tips are just getting better.
Symptom: No radio sound.
Possible Cause: The volume is set to the minimum.
Solution: Increase the volume. I genuinely hope nobody benefits from this section.
I subjected Keith Merrill to an oral reading of this blog. He pointed out that they missed a couple of troubleshooting steps that might have been good:Symptom: No radio sound.
Possible Cause: No batteries.
Solution: Install batteries.I thought of some other ones myself:
Symptom: No radio sound.
Possible Cause: Dead batteries.
Solution: Install non-dead batteries.Symptom: Clock displays incorrect time.
Possible Cause: You forgot to set it, or you were drunk and set it wrong.
Solution: Sober up and set the friggen clock correctly.Symptom: Cannot make batteries fit.
Possible Cause: You did not remember to remove the old batteries first.
Solution: Remove old batteries and then install non-dead batteries.
Symptom: Radio is wet.
Possible Cause: You used it in the shower.
Solution: Don’t take a shower.
“FUNNY, is 2nd time u played a Hannity clip & I missed the intro: as I listened, I've thought, ‘Wow JOE's certainly worked up! GO JOE!’ then figured out isn't Joe.”They occasionally mention something offhand on air about a text message they received, and that would have been cool (the ego boost from having been clever enough to have contributed a snippet to the show) but I figured this was a little too obscure to merit any on-air attention, so I left it at that and hoped they would at least read it and have a good laugh among themselves.
“What’s really amusing is when I have my radio on KRMG turned down low, I think I'm hearing my voice. I turn it up and it’s Hannity. :) Joe”So if you were tempted to laugh at me mistaking two totally different people for each other, I think I’m pretty well exonerated if one of the guys confuses the other one for himself. :)
