“Great with Sandwiches!”

That’s what the lid loudly proclaims on each jar of Claussen Sandwich Slices dill pickles that I buy.

“Great with Sandwiches!”

Really? Well, that sucks, because when I buy anything that is marketed as “Sandwich Anything,” and cut in such a way to suggest that they pretty much belong on a sandwich, my natural assumption is that they are going to suck with sandwiches... taste like crap, that kind of thing.

That’s why I would buy them, after all — anticipating that they would suck.

So it’s good that they’ve told me so I can be prepared.

And, since it’s in print, naturally I believe them – how could they say it, especially in print, if it weren’t true?

Annoying though it seems, I guess it must be helpful at some level.

Earl: “Hey… uh, Hank?”

Hank: “Yeah, Earl?”

Earl: “Say… about these pickles here... these that say ‘sandwich slices’ on the jar … I need a little advice.”

Hank: “They’re fresh – I just opened ‘em a couple of days ago.”

Earl: “Thanks, but that’s not it.”

Hank: “What did ‘ya need, Earl ol’ pal?”

Earl: “Well, I was thinking about having a sandwich.”

Hank: “Good idea. I’m gittin’ a little hungry mahself.”

Earl: “Yeah, but these pickles here – these ‘sandwich slices’ – do you think those would go good with a sandwich?”

Hank: “I’m not sure. They’re called “Sandwich Slices,” you say?”

Earl: “Yep.”

Hank: “I’m sorry, buddy, I wouldn’t want to lead you astray. You’re a good friend, so I’ll just face up to the fact that I don’t rightly know whether them ‘sandwich slices’ are good with sandwiches or not.”

Earl: “Ah, well.”

Hank: “Wait – look on top – does the lid say anything about it?”

Earl: “Oh – yeah – says ‘great with sandwiches.’ Thanks, man. Now I know!”

Hank: “Any time, Earl. Any time. You’re a good friend.”

Earl: “Your sister is hot.”

Hank: “She’s not bad, but I’ve seen better.”

This is Totally Cool

And that headline is totally lame. But it does not matter.

I am a very happy geek.

I just installed an 18,000 BTU air conditioner in my workshop.

Note, my workshop is bigger than my car and has a garage door at one end and barn doors at the other... meaning that I can actually park my car inside the workshop in the summer and my car will be cool when I get in it… this also should help keep my car much cleaner in the summer, because I can actually go and “clean out the car” in the air conditioning. Woot!

And, it means that the stuff I store out there won’t get ruined by heat and humidity, so in 15 to 25 years when I retire and go out and clean it up and realize I didn’t need to actually keep most of it, it will be in excellent condition.

More importantly, there are lessons learned from the instruction manual to the air conditioner.

I guess it never ends.

The ... um, learning ... I mean.

This unit is a “through-the-wall” air conditioner. If you aren’t familiar with the term “through the wall” it’s code language for “window unit” that uses a huge hole in the wall – and this is technically different than a window, depending of course on the skill and integrity of your landlord and their maintenance contractors.

Apparently this is no ordinary air conditioner. I say that because the instruction manual refers to it as the “designer series” – which must be intended to mean “not as lame-looking as some of those we’ve made in the past.” Admittedly, there’s no fake-wood-color on the front panel.

But “what’s the tie to ‘learning,’” you ask? Well… that would be ahem sarcasm.

Like so many “helpful” instruction manuals (and remember, as my sister and mother wo;; confirm, when something is “in quotes,” that means “not really,”) the instructions were quite “helpful.”

Beginning with the remote control —

Wait, I simply must digress — do you need a remote control on your air conditioner?

Changing the channel on the television from your chair is nice… but my bedroom is about 10 x 10 feet and I have a remote control on the air conditioner in there, too.

Sometimes the remote is farther away from me than the actual window unit… I would have to get up to get the remote control, as opposed to simply reaching over and changing the temperature.

Speaking of changing the temperature, I’m surprised (now that I think about it) that the EnergyStar Nazis haven’t put the kibosh on these already – after all, you may remember that during the contrived “energy shortage” of the 1970’s, everybody was told to “set it and forget it” (their thermostat) or “at least, don’t be constantly changing it.”

Apart from that being stupid advice (um, and, um, typically, um, government advice is stupid advice, um, typically, um: any time the government thinks you need advice that by extension means that the government thinks you’re stupid, and the advice is likely to be quite stupid in, and of, itself. Yes? Yes.

These are the geniuses that suggest 78° as a good setting for your air conditioner in the summer. Sure, in Arizona, maybe… but not in the real world of humidity.

There’s comparable stupidity to all of this that I’ve addressed before – this, behind the logic of leaving your heat or air on when you leave the house on the premise that your equipment will “have to work harder” or “it will cost more” to cool things down or heat things up when you return. Leave it on because it will be more comfortable. Why do you think computer and equipment rooms are so nice and cool? The equipment doesn’t care, but we windowless-room-dwelling engineers absolutely love the cold and you aren’t smart enough to realize that it’s all about us.

What? You say if you let your house heat up during the day, then you can’t successfully cool it down when you get home? Wait, that’s your friend the government again, specifying that your house should have an air conditioner of less capacity than you actually need – saving energy, and all that.

I’m sure the reason for the remote controls is that they’re cheap to add and a good (-ish) product differentiator. Or, at least they were at one time. I once bought a unit that had remote control “capability” – meaning the remote was a special-order add-on.

Fortunately, I didn’t buy it because of the remote. In fact, the first remote-controlled window unit I had, I didn’t buy for the remote either… I bought it because it was from a reputable manufacturer with a clever name (“Frigidaire” – yep, that’s what I want – some frigid air), was about the right size and about the right price… then I opened the box and “what’s this? That’s cool,” fell out.

Okay, so just now it occurred to me that my new unit for the workshop is also a Frigidaire… so I picked up this new remote control – woot! It works in 2009 on a unit I purchased in 2000 or 2001. Crazy. And maybe a little bit nifty. Now I have two remotes in the bedroom so if I find a nice bedroom buddy she and I can have dueling remote controls for the temperature. I’m such a heavy sleeper that all she’ll have to do is wait until I fall asleep and she can get away with pretty much whatever. Regarding the air conditioner setting! What were you thinking?!

Okay, more interesting stuff… this new remote has a “sleep” button – the idea being to make it nice and comfy but to increment the temperature over the course of the next few hours so you’re not freezing your… things I have but that any bed partner will definitely not have… off, when you wake up.

My old unit doesn’t do “sleep mode.” So what will this new button do? Set it on fire? No… apparently this new button puts my old unit on “high,” while the “fan down” button on the new control puts it on “low” and “fan up” puts it on medium (and leaves it there). So they’ve used fundamentally the exact same remote control infrastructure, slightly repurposed, for years. For this, I will give them credit.

Okay, I admit, it’s kind of neat having a remote control on your window unit. But not that big of a deal.

You may not remember why I was talking about the remote to begin with. The reason for this is the following warning:

Never mix old and new batteries in your remote control.

Handy warning there – do you know why? This remote only has one battery. It would be tricky to “mix” it.

Normal Sounds

There’s half a page in the manual about “normal sounds” that you can expect from your new air conditioner. As I recall, the manual to every air conditioner I’ve purchased over the last 10+ years had featured this same helpful information:

• Sound of Rushing Air – At the front of the unit, you may hear the sound of rushing air being moved by the fan.
  
  I may hear it? May? Okay. Hmmm, yes, I think I do.
  
  
• Pinging or Swishing – Droplets of water hitting the condenser during normal operation may cause “pinging or swishing” sounds.
  
  Actually, that should say “pinging” or “swishing” – the “or” shouldn’t be in the “quotes.”
  
  
• Vibration – Unit may vibrate and make noise because of poor wall or window construction or incorrect installation.
  
  Really? Mechanical things make mechanical sounds when they are not [snicker] mechanically sound?
  
  
• High Pitched Chatter – Today’s high efficiency compressors may have a high pitched chatter during the cooling cycle.
  
  Oooo, so if I notice this problem, it’s actually a feel-good thing. Yes, as opposed to “yesterday’s” not-quite-so-high-efficiency compressors, which made a sound more like a dinosaur digesting, I suppose. Not insignificantly, this is probably the quietest window unit I have ever owned.
  
  
• Gurgle/Hiss – “Gurgling or hissing” noise may be heard due to refrigerant passing through evaporator during normal operation.

It strikes me as odd (and perhaps you, too, and if not, then I will strike you myself, because you must be odd, and therefore deserve to be stricken) that they go to such a brainless level to explain-away the normal, but yet they assume the reader must be familiar with the concepts of condenser, compressor, refrigerant, and evaporator... which my three year old can probably tell you are the typical, nay essential, components of the classic single-stage vapor compression refrigeration cycle.

But also... did you notice anything unusual (aside from the stupidity – which isn’t all that unusual) in any of the above items? One in particular?

I’ll wait.

Yes. Vibration ... due to “incorrect installation” … is listed as a “normal sound.”

Right. Got it.

As for the rest of it, I simply must ask three questions:

• [Question #1.] Are there actually people out there who cannot tell that rushing air and subtle mechanichal sounds are part of a normal window (sorry... through-the-wall) air conditioning unit?
  
  
• [Question #B.] If there are, should they be allowed to have one?
  
  
• [Question #Also.] Who is writing this stuff?

Avoid Service Checklist – Before calling for service, review this list [if you are stupid]. It may save you time and expense [if you are stupid]. This list includes common occurrences that are not the result of defective workman-ship [yes, the hyphen is in the original – it’s the year 2009 and some people have not mastered this new-fangled gadgetry called “word processing”] or materials in this appliance [and you already know this, if you are not stupid].

There was some stuff missing from the paragraph above, so I added it in for your convenience [in case you are stupid].

I’ve selected a few rare gems for your perusal.


Air Conditioner Will Not Operate.

• Wall plug disconnected. Push plug firmly into wall outlet.
  
  
• Plug Current Device Tripped. Press the RESET button.
  
  
• House fuse blown or circuit breaker tripped. Replace fuse with time delay type or reset circuit breaker.
  Puh-leeez! If someone needs this hint, are they qualified to replace a fuse with the “time delay type?”
  
  
• Control is OFF. Turn Control ON and set to desired setting.
  
  *cough*
  

Air From Unit Does Not Feel Cold Enough.

• Room temperature below 60°F (16°C). Cooling may not occur until room temperature rises above 60°F (16°C).
  Personally, I’m thinking that if the room is below 60°, the air should feel sufficiently cold that you would not be reading this.
  
  
• Reset to a Lower temperature.
  
  Important note: these are two unrelated solutions, because the unit cannot be set to a lower temperature than 60°.
  
  

Air Conditioner Cooling, But Room is Too Warm.

• Temperature is set too High. Set temperature to a Lower setting.
  
  Who knew?
  
  
• Air directional louvers positioned improperly. Position louvers for better air distribution.
  
  Again: who knew?
  
  
• Front of unit is blocked by drapes, blinds, furniture, etc. - restricts air distribution. Clear blockage in front of unit.
  
  I am so glad I read this manual.
  
  
• Doors, windows, etc. open - cold air escapes. Close doors, windows, etc.
  
  rofl...
  
  
• Unit recently turned on in hot room. Allow additional time to remove “stored heat” from walls, ceiling, floor and furniture.
  
  ...mao.
  
  And how is it that they neglected to suggest, “You are a cheapskate and you bought an air conditioner that is too small.” ...?
  
  

Noise When Unit is Cooling.

• Window vibration - poor installation. Refer to installation instructions or check with installer.
  
  Wait. I thought that was normal.
  
  

Room Too Cool.

• Set temperature too low. Increase set temperature.
  

Strangely enough, they left out one problem/solution that I would think might occur more often:

Room Too Warm;
Can’t Find Power Cord;
Air Conditioner More Vocal Than Anticipated.

• You accidentally installed your friend Bob in the window and invited your air conditioner to join you in the living room, where it is sitting quietly (apparently contentedly) on the couch, though it has hardly touched its coffee. Remove Bob from window, install air conditioner there. Install Bob on the couch and make fresh coffee.
  

It’s really pretty much downhill from here, so I will let you get your own. Be certain, as the manual demands, that you store it (the manual) “in a safe place.”

I will leave you with these parting words of wisdom, taken verbatim, from the “Energy Saving Ideas” section of the manual:

Close the fireplace damper... so cool air does not escape up the chimney...

No, I am not making this up.

I never do.

Riding the Torrent

If you know me then you know I'm not at all a fan of BitTorrent. It seems like it has a bit too much underworld taint on it for my liking. You also know that I am a proponent of property rights — whether it’s musicians, writers, or whoever else does not matter: If you created a work, it’s yours. You, and only you (and of course, your “successors, heirs, and assigns,” but I digress) are the only one who has the right to dictate upon what terms your work may be shared.

So I don’t like BitTorrent for two reasons:

One, it seems its largest use is stealing other people’s work (music, software) with the benign label of “sharing” used instead of “stealing,” which is what is actually occurring ... but on the other hand, if I am to hold that position, I may need to check myself for consistency. Fail. BitTorrent is a tool. It can be used to distribute legitimate things to legitimate recipients, and it can be used for theft.

Two, while it is a good idea in theory, it does somewhat break down because the designers failed — in their existence in la-la-land of theory — to take into consideration the fact that upstream traffic on your broadband line, and especially unattended traffic, was not contemplated by Internet providers in setting their pricing for mass adoption. Couple this with the fact that a significant number of goobers are out there running this application without understanding its impact on the network, and hopefully you understand my beef... which is enhanced by the fact that running peer-to-peer software on a limited-topology network (such as 802.11-based wireless Internet access) can, at best, slow down the performance of your line, and, at worst, slow down the entire network for everyone. Some wireless-based ISPs simply and clearly forbid peer-to-peer.

But, I must transition now to Free and Open Source Software (“FOSS”). Yes, it does not cost money, but the word “free” means much more in this context. The software is freely-obtainable, freely modifiable, and freely redistributable. It’s all legit. Created by a combination of individuals who want better software than what is commercially available, and corporations who underwrite development with their own interests foremost (to which I have no objection at all — that is the only reason corporations exist: to serve their own good) but with a side-benefit to the rest of us.

I owe a debt to the FOSS community for making my life easier... and it is a debt that I have not successfully paid back with my occasional meager contributions. I came up with a way to do something that is helpful, and stroke my own ego at the same time.

One of the frustrations of the Internet is the time it takes to download things. Years ago, when a new piece of software was released, the wait for a download was almost unbearable. The main site was pretty much inaccessible, and the mirror sites were crowded, and no matter how fast your connection was (at the time, I had 2 T-1’s at my disposal — smokin’ fast for 1999) you were beholden to the load imposed on the connection at the other end.

So, what can I do, here... in the old days, a person with some available bandwidth could actually host a mirror site to contribute to the effort. Now, it’s actually much simpler. The answer lies in the evil BitTorrent.

A couple of packages I am extremely fond of are CentOS and Knoppix. I have approximately 200 Mbps of Internet access at my disposal — it’s idle “upstream” capacity that exists as a simple side-effect of the natural imbalance of download-to-upload on consumer broadband connections (a natural imbalance that BitTorrent capitalizes on, by the way).

So I’ve set up 3 instances of BitTorrent with upload restricted only by the 100 Mbps Ethernet cable, the router, and the CPU of the host machine.

Now, for ego-stroking purposes, here are live stats of just how much I’ve “given back.” Unfortunately, I had already done almost 300 Gigabytes before I thought to really track it, so those are not included. More later. Right now, it’s bedtime.







— 2009-05-18 07:00 ETA: Okay, fine... I’ve never been a fan of Debian, or by extension, Ubuntu — I don’t find it intuitive like I do Red Hat/CentOS... but on the other hand, they are bringing Linux to the masses, so I might as well help... so here we go, I’ve added Ubuntu Desktop to my magic server...

— 2009-05-19 07:00 ETA: I’ve added a spiffy little stats box at the top so show how busy my little “server” is. Clearly, it’s quite busy. I am going to up-prioritize Ubuntu for a bit to see if it’s just not needing much bandwidth, or whether it’s being choked by the other manifestations of my ample generosity... for now, it seems like demand may not be that high.

—2009-05-20 20:00 ETA: I suspended the CentOS DVD Torrent today and moved it to another, more cojone-fied machine... sorry, no stats, but I’ll report back here with more.

Also, check this out: