This is Totally Cool

And that headline is totally lame. But it does not matter.

I am a very happy geek.

I just installed an 18,000 BTU air conditioner in my workshop.

Note, my workshop is bigger than my car and has a garage door at one end and barn doors at the other... meaning that I can actually park my car inside the workshop in the summer and my car will be cool when I get in it… this also should help keep my car much cleaner in the summer, because I can actually go and “clean out the car” in the air conditioning. Woot!

And, it means that the stuff I store out there won’t get ruined by heat and humidity, so in 15 to 25 years when I retire and go out and clean it up and realize I didn’t need to actually keep most of it, it will be in excellent condition.

More importantly, there are lessons learned from the instruction manual to the air conditioner.

I guess it never ends.

The ... um, learning ... I mean.

This unit is a “through-the-wall” air conditioner. If you aren’t familiar with the term “through the wall” it’s code language for “window unit” that uses a huge hole in the wall – and this is technically different than a window, depending of course on the skill and integrity of your landlord and their maintenance contractors.

Apparently this is no ordinary air conditioner. I say that because the instruction manual refers to it as the “designer series” – which must be intended to mean “not as lame-looking as some of those we’ve made in the past.” Admittedly, there’s no fake-wood-color on the front panel.

But “what’s the tie to ‘learning,’” you ask? Well… that would be ahem sarcasm.

Like so many “helpful” instruction manuals (and remember, as my sister and mother wo;; confirm, when something is “in quotes,” that means “not really,”) the instructions were quite “helpful.”

Beginning with the remote control —

Wait, I simply must digress — do you need a remote control on your air conditioner?

Changing the channel on the television from your chair is nice… but my bedroom is about 10 x 10 feet and I have a remote control on the air conditioner in there, too.

Sometimes the remote is farther away from me than the actual window unit… I would have to get up to get the remote control, as opposed to simply reaching over and changing the temperature.

Speaking of changing the temperature, I’m surprised (now that I think about it) that the EnergyStar Nazis haven’t put the kibosh on these already – after all, you may remember that during the contrived “energy shortage” of the 1970’s, everybody was told to “set it and forget it” (their thermostat) or “at least, don’t be constantly changing it.”

Apart from that being stupid advice (um, and, um, typically, um, government advice is stupid advice, um, typically, um: any time the government thinks you need advice that by extension means that the government thinks you’re stupid, and the advice is likely to be quite stupid in, and of, itself. Yes? Yes.

These are the geniuses that suggest 78° as a good setting for your air conditioner in the summer. Sure, in Arizona, maybe… but not in the real world of humidity.

There’s comparable stupidity to all of this that I’ve addressed before – this, behind the logic of leaving your heat or air on when you leave the house on the premise that your equipment will “have to work harder” or “it will cost more” to cool things down or heat things up when you return. Leave it on because it will be more comfortable. Why do you think computer and equipment rooms are so nice and cool? The equipment doesn’t care, but we windowless-room-dwelling engineers absolutely love the cold and you aren’t smart enough to realize that it’s all about us.

What? You say if you let your house heat up during the day, then you can’t successfully cool it down when you get home? Wait, that’s your friend the government again, specifying that your house should have an air conditioner of less capacity than you actually need – saving energy, and all that.

I’m sure the reason for the remote controls is that they’re cheap to add and a good (-ish) product differentiator. Or, at least they were at one time. I once bought a unit that had remote control “capability” – meaning the remote was a special-order add-on.

Fortunately, I didn’t buy it because of the remote. In fact, the first remote-controlled window unit I had, I didn’t buy for the remote either… I bought it because it was from a reputable manufacturer with a clever name (“Frigidaire” – yep, that’s what I want – some frigid air), was about the right size and about the right price… then I opened the box and “what’s this? That’s cool,” fell out.

Okay, so just now it occurred to me that my new unit for the workshop is also a Frigidaire… so I picked up this new remote control – woot! It works in 2009 on a unit I purchased in 2000 or 2001. Crazy. And maybe a little bit nifty. Now I have two remotes in the bedroom so if I find a nice bedroom buddy she and I can have dueling remote controls for the temperature. I’m such a heavy sleeper that all she’ll have to do is wait until I fall asleep and she can get away with pretty much whatever. Regarding the air conditioner setting! What were you thinking?!

Okay, more interesting stuff… this new remote has a “sleep” button – the idea being to make it nice and comfy but to increment the temperature over the course of the next few hours so you’re not freezing your… things I have but that any bed partner will definitely not have… off, when you wake up.

My old unit doesn’t do “sleep mode.” So what will this new button do? Set it on fire? No… apparently this new button puts my old unit on “high,” while the “fan down” button on the new control puts it on “low” and “fan up” puts it on medium (and leaves it there). So they’ve used fundamentally the exact same remote control infrastructure, slightly repurposed, for years. For this, I will give them credit.

Okay, I admit, it’s kind of neat having a remote control on your window unit. But not that big of a deal.

You may not remember why I was talking about the remote to begin with. The reason for this is the following warning:

Never mix old and new batteries in your remote control.

Handy warning there – do you know why? This remote only has one battery. It would be tricky to “mix” it.

Normal Sounds

There’s half a page in the manual about “normal sounds” that you can expect from your new air conditioner. As I recall, the manual to every air conditioner I’ve purchased over the last 10+ years had featured this same helpful information:

• Sound of Rushing Air – At the front of the unit, you may hear the sound of rushing air being moved by the fan.
  
  I may hear it? May? Okay. Hmmm, yes, I think I do.
  
  
• Pinging or Swishing – Droplets of water hitting the condenser during normal operation may cause “pinging or swishing” sounds.
  
  Actually, that should say “pinging” or “swishing” – the “or” shouldn’t be in the “quotes.”
  
  
• Vibration – Unit may vibrate and make noise because of poor wall or window construction or incorrect installation.
  
  Really? Mechanical things make mechanical sounds when they are not [snicker] mechanically sound?
  
  
• High Pitched Chatter – Today’s high efficiency compressors may have a high pitched chatter during the cooling cycle.
  
  Oooo, so if I notice this problem, it’s actually a feel-good thing. Yes, as opposed to “yesterday’s” not-quite-so-high-efficiency compressors, which made a sound more like a dinosaur digesting, I suppose. Not insignificantly, this is probably the quietest window unit I have ever owned.
  
  
• Gurgle/Hiss – “Gurgling or hissing” noise may be heard due to refrigerant passing through evaporator during normal operation.

It strikes me as odd (and perhaps you, too, and if not, then I will strike you myself, because you must be odd, and therefore deserve to be stricken) that they go to such a brainless level to explain-away the normal, but yet they assume the reader must be familiar with the concepts of condenser, compressor, refrigerant, and evaporator... which my three year old can probably tell you are the typical, nay essential, components of the classic single-stage vapor compression refrigeration cycle.

But also... did you notice anything unusual (aside from the stupidity – which isn’t all that unusual) in any of the above items? One in particular?

I’ll wait.

Yes. Vibration ... due to “incorrect installation” … is listed as a “normal sound.”

Right. Got it.

As for the rest of it, I simply must ask three questions:

• [Question #1.] Are there actually people out there who cannot tell that rushing air and subtle mechanichal sounds are part of a normal window (sorry... through-the-wall) air conditioning unit?
  
  
• [Question #B.] If there are, should they be allowed to have one?
  
  
• [Question #Also.] Who is writing this stuff?

Avoid Service Checklist – Before calling for service, review this list [if you are stupid]. It may save you time and expense [if you are stupid]. This list includes common occurrences that are not the result of defective workman-ship [yes, the hyphen is in the original – it’s the year 2009 and some people have not mastered this new-fangled gadgetry called “word processing”] or materials in this appliance [and you already know this, if you are not stupid].

There was some stuff missing from the paragraph above, so I added it in for your convenience [in case you are stupid].

I’ve selected a few rare gems for your perusal.


Air Conditioner Will Not Operate.

• Wall plug disconnected. Push plug firmly into wall outlet.
  
  
• Plug Current Device Tripped. Press the RESET button.
  
  
• House fuse blown or circuit breaker tripped. Replace fuse with time delay type or reset circuit breaker.
  Puh-leeez! If someone needs this hint, are they qualified to replace a fuse with the “time delay type?”
  
  
• Control is OFF. Turn Control ON and set to desired setting.
  
  *cough*
  

Air From Unit Does Not Feel Cold Enough.

• Room temperature below 60°F (16°C). Cooling may not occur until room temperature rises above 60°F (16°C).
  Personally, I’m thinking that if the room is below 60°, the air should feel sufficiently cold that you would not be reading this.
  
  
• Reset to a Lower temperature.
  
  Important note: these are two unrelated solutions, because the unit cannot be set to a lower temperature than 60°.
  
  

Air Conditioner Cooling, But Room is Too Warm.

• Temperature is set too High. Set temperature to a Lower setting.
  
  Who knew?
  
  
• Air directional louvers positioned improperly. Position louvers for better air distribution.
  
  Again: who knew?
  
  
• Front of unit is blocked by drapes, blinds, furniture, etc. - restricts air distribution. Clear blockage in front of unit.
  
  I am so glad I read this manual.
  
  
• Doors, windows, etc. open - cold air escapes. Close doors, windows, etc.
  
  rofl...
  
  
• Unit recently turned on in hot room. Allow additional time to remove “stored heat” from walls, ceiling, floor and furniture.
  
  ...mao.
  
  And how is it that they neglected to suggest, “You are a cheapskate and you bought an air conditioner that is too small.” ...?
  
  

Noise When Unit is Cooling.

• Window vibration - poor installation. Refer to installation instructions or check with installer.
  
  Wait. I thought that was normal.
  
  

Room Too Cool.

• Set temperature too low. Increase set temperature.
  

Strangely enough, they left out one problem/solution that I would think might occur more often:

Room Too Warm;
Can’t Find Power Cord;
Air Conditioner More Vocal Than Anticipated.

• You accidentally installed your friend Bob in the window and invited your air conditioner to join you in the living room, where it is sitting quietly (apparently contentedly) on the couch, though it has hardly touched its coffee. Remove Bob from window, install air conditioner there. Install Bob on the couch and make fresh coffee.
  

It’s really pretty much downhill from here, so I will let you get your own. Be certain, as the manual demands, that you store it (the manual) “in a safe place.”

I will leave you with these parting words of wisdom, taken verbatim, from the “Energy Saving Ideas” section of the manual:

Close the fireplace damper... so cool air does not escape up the chimney...

No, I am not making this up.

I never do.