Or Equivalent Wording.

Valynala called earlier tonight… asked me what I was doing. I told her I was “working on something” (standard answer – not an intentionally elusive response, just an implicit assumption that the person doing the asking wouldn’t necessarily care if I did give them the specifics of what I was doing).

“Oh... are ya’ workin’ on a new AP?”

AP being what you’re reading right now.

No, actually not.

What is this? I’m getting grief for having not posted any brilliance here in almost two weeks? Two weeks?! Has it been that long? Hmmm, bad sign, I’m afraid.

“Should I be?”

“You better.”

Fine.

But first, here’s a pop quiz:

Which of the following are reflective of – and therefore valuable indicators to – my state of mind?

1. the state of my house


2. the state of my office


3. the state of my car


4. the state of my blog


5. all of the above

If you didn’t select “e,” then you should go back and try again – because, it turns out, that is the correct answer.

Fortunately, I did have some material on standby.

My sister called me yesterday to share this:

My niece received some kind of electronic device for Christmas that included a “wall-wart” power supply.

Attached to said power supply was the following extremely valuable warning sticker:

“This power unit is intended to be correctly orientated in a vertical or floor-mount position” or equivalent wording.

Yes... the handy warning sticker actually has the words “or equivalent wording” at the end.

It’s one thing to be stupid. It’s yet another to document it.

Clearly, there’s some message – a safety-related message, at that – that somebody, somewhere, is trying to communicate to me, but apparently their tinfoil hat is scrambling the signal.

(Incidentally, I know the problem couldn’t be with my tinfoil hat — its only purpose is to enforce the terms of my contract with Major League Baseball; specifically, I can’t rebroadcast their games without their consent, and they can’t rebroadcast my thoughts to the CIA without my consent or influence my opinion by having Alan Colmes say anything seemingly sensible, ever. So far, it’s working.)

Otherwise, I can’t figure out what the “equivalent wording” might be.

I googled for the message. Naturally, Google asks:

Did you mean: "This power unit is intended to be correctly oriented in a vertical or floor-mount position"

Yeah, no kidding. I guess just using (or, “utilizating”) a non-made-up word would be a start, but no, I want to see if I can track down the original message, first.

I did, and it’s much worse than I feared.

The Underwriters’ Laboratories (you know… the people whose stamp of approval is intended to document that the manufacturer has complied with regulations intended to ensure the safety of a device so long as it’s used for its intended purpose) “UL Asia” web site spells out the new rule that took effect in 2006:

UL 1310 Class 2 Power Units, 4th Edition: The operating orientation of a direct plug-in power unit shall be indicated in the instructions as follows: “This power unit is intended to be correctly orientated in a vertical or floor mount position” or equivalent wording.

Abandon hope all ye who enter here.

Actually, even that one is screwed up – it’s from the H. F. Cary translation into English of Dante’s Divine Comedy. The original is actually “All hope abandon ye who enter here.” But at least the message is discernible: “Don’t y’all reckon y’all may as well give up?”

So what, if anything, is the meaning of this jumble of words?

I can’t tell you what UL 1310 says, because that’s a book you have to buy, for the low, low price of $564.00... so scratch that.

I did find instruction manuals for a couple of cordless telephones, featuring the same language... which may shed some light on the subject.

This power unit is intended to be correctly orientated in a vertical or floor mount position. The prongs are not designed to hold the plug in place if it is plugged into a ceiling or an under the table/cabinet outlet.

Stupid, but okay – that helps. A little: You’re supposed to plug it in on the wall or on the floor, because it’s not intended to be plugged in to an electrical outlet that faces downward – like you’d find under a cabinet. Or on the ceiling. (See? Helpful stuff!) The design doesn’t anticipate the weight of the entire wall-wart being supported by the prongs.

Got it.

Although... I’m nearly 100% certain that the sticker, as written, wouldn’t even give anyone a hint of what they weren’t supposed to do. Or were. Some users of the same equipment now in the custody of my 6-year-old niece probably ended up voting for Pat Buchanan while trying to correctly orientate the power cord for their unit.

I can’t imagine why nobody bothers to read these instructions. You?

Oh... on that cordless phone, there were a couple of other helpful hints:

Plug the power adaptor into an electrical outlet that is near the equipment and easily accessible.

Novel! And here I was, planning to use the outlet behind the heavy desk on the other side of the room. I didn’t even think of using this one right here near the equipment that happens to be easily accessible.

Do not use the telephone to report a gas leak in the vicinity of the leak.

As my mother used to ask, “Why did you bring that book I didn’t want to be read to out of up for?”

What’s in the vicinity of what, in this piece of syntactical brilliance?

It seems to me that I’m being warned not to use a telephone –period – to report a gas leak that is in the vicinity of the gas leak itself. I guess if a gas leak is in its own vicinity, you should simply not report it. He who smelt it probably dealt it, anyway.

Avoid using a telephone (other than a cordless type) during an electrical storm. There may be a remote risk of electrical shock from lightning.

Actually, there are two distinct problems with this warning...

The first is that the risk is actually not a risk that “may be,” and is not necessarily even all that “remote” – using a hard-line telephone during an electrical storm (presumably, we’re talking about a thunderstorm – not a coronal mass ejection or other atmospheric “electrical storm” event) is actually hazardous... and the risk is not “electrical shock” – it’s something a bit more serious, such as death by electrocution.

Also, never mind the fact that this tidbit appears in the instruction manual for a cordless phone.

Only put the handset of your telephone next to your ear when it is in normal talk.

Idiots. This one is actually sensible, if they would state the reason – you don’t want it ringing right next to your ear… which it could do at any time when it is not “in normal talk.”

For all of these safety warnings, I — somehow — do not feel especially safe.

First it was shower radios with stern warnings about not using them near the bathtub.

Then it was a satellite receiver that should not be used as a place to set your candles.

Now, an electrical plug that can’t hang from the ceiling — or at least is not supposed to.

It’s all very disorientating.

Or equivalent wording.

Much Subvert the Sub-Optimal Warn to Reduce the Implication Heretofore With Flower Vase

I’ve ranted before about incomprehensible or nonsense instruction manuals included with electronic devices, such as the shower radio that warns you not to use the product near water, such as near a bathtub.

The only conclusion I can draw is that I’m getting smarter or the rest of the world is getting dumber. And it’s so hard to distinguish between the two.

New examples arrive daily.

Product: Satellite Receiver

Ridiculous Manual Factor (Scale of 1-5): 93

Helpful Messages from the Instruction Manual:

Warning: Do not use this satellite receiver where contact with or immersion in water is a possibility. Do not use near flower vase, washbowls, kitchen sinks, laundry tubs, swimming pools, etc.

Flower vase. That's a new one. Frankly, I wouldn’t have thought to use a satellite receiver in any of those places... but luckily, even though I’m forbidden to use the receiver near the swimming pool, it is okay to use it in the shower... that’s not mentioned.

Warning: Do not put the candle or lamp stand on the cabinet; otherwise, there is the danger of fire.

I’m still contemplating the nature of this sentence. If I put the candle or “lamp stand” somewhere other than on the cabinet, there is no danger? I’ll put the candle on the bed.

Warning: The unit should be connected to a power supply only of the type described in the operating instructions or as marked on the unit. If you are not sure of the type of power supply (for example, 120 or 230 volt) to your home, consult your local dealer or local power company.

“Hello, Power Company? This is Ardency calling. I’m not sure of the type of power supply to my home.”

Calling your “local dealer” doesn’t help, either.

“Hey, Jimmy! It’s Ardency... can you get some more of that Jamaican stuff we smoked last weekend? Great! Do you know what type of power supply, for example, 120 or 230 volt, I have to my home?” (disclaimer: you know I don’t actually have a local dealer)

The final bit of amusement and/or annoyance here is that the instruction manual indicates that the unit is suitable for connection to anything from 100 volts to 240 volts, and either 60 Hz (like we use in the U.S.) or 50 Hz. Frankly, if you have a power supply to your house that is outside that range, I’m quite sure that you do not live on earth, so you wouldn’t be able to get the satellite signals anyway.

Warning: This product install diodes. Do not open the cabinet or touch any parts in the inner mechanism. Consult your local dealer for technical service if the opening is required.

First, I’m not sure what diodes have to do with anything.

Next, how do I touch parts in the inner mechanism without opening the cabinet?

Finally, if there are no user-serviceable components inside, how will I know if “the opening” is required?

Note: To ensure proper use of this product, please read this User manual carefully and retain for further reference.

Oh, yeah, that’ll help!

Note: This product install diodes. Do not open the cabinet to avoid the unit direct exposure to radiation.

A minute ago, installing diodes deserved a “warning.” Now, this bit about the diodes, and the “direct exposure to radiation” is merely a “note.”

It does bear mentioning that there isn’t any ionizing radiation going on inside this product. It’s a receiver, not a transmitter. I’m not sure what I’m actually being protected from.

Unit Cleaning: After the unit power is turned off, you can clean the cabinet, panel and remote control with a soft cloth lightly moistened with a mild detergent solution.

Yes, turn off the main unit before cleaning the remote. Actually, this is rather a silly notion anyway... because when the power is “turned off,” the insides are actually still live. Hot. The correct warning would be to unplug from the wall.

Oh... I almost forgot to mention... at the very top:

SAFETY PRECAUTION: CAUTION: CAUTION: Warning: (yes, that’s what it says)

To reduce the risk of electric shock, don’t open the cabinet.

Personally, I need tips to “eliminate” the risk of electric shock... rather than merely reducing it.

You?

The lightning flash with arrowhead symbol, within an equilateral triangle (?!), is to alert the user to “dangerous voltage” and to prevent from a risk(?!) of electric shock.

Prevent from a risk. I don’t know if that’s actually desirable.

And what about this “dangerous voltage?”

Usually, when things like this are “in quotes,” it means, “not really.”

Example: That guy was really “smart.”

OOOoooo, “dangerous voltage!” I’m shakin’.

“Mufasa! It tingles me!”

---

Oh... so I bought one of those HDTV set-top boxes from Wal-Mart. I haven’t read the entire manual yet, although I did notice these two warnings which, I admit, are life-savers:

Use only the cart, stand, bracket, tripod, or table specified by the manufacturer, or sold with the apparatus. When a cart is used, use caution when moving the cart/apparatus combination to avoid injury from tip-over.

Yep... this thing has to weigh at least one pound. Deadly.

Do not place lighted candles, cigarettes, cigars, etc., on the product.

Awww, man... I can’t put ’em on the satellite receiver, either! Wait! They didn’t say “pipes.” Only cigarettes, cigars... oh... maybe “pipes” and “molotov cocktails” are included in “etc.”

Bummer.

Here’s the brilliance written in a little slip of paper they felt the need to include in the box:

Digital Television Transition Notice:

This device contains a digital television tuner, so it should receive digital over the air TV programming, with a suitable antenna, after the end of full-power analog TV broadcasting in the United States on February 17, 2009. Some older television receivers, if they rely on a TV antenna, will need a TV Converter to receive over the air digital programming, but should continue to work as before for other purposes (e.g., for watching low-power TV stations still broadcasting in analog, watching pre-recorded movies, or playing video games).

For more information, please see www.DTV.gov, or call 1-888-CALL-FCC. For information on the TV Converter program, and on government coupons that may be used toward the purchase of one, see www.dtv2009.gov, or call the NTIA at 1 -888-DTV-2009.

Hello? Is anyone home? This device “contains” a digital television tuner? How about the fact that this device is a digital television tuner? There’s simply no one home. If I were a person who needed to know this information, how could I have purchased this digital television tuner, with which this information came?!

Wait... it “should” receive digital over the air TV programming? It should? It better!