Much Subvert the Sub-Optimal Warn to Reduce the Implication Heretofore With Flower Vase

I’ve ranted before about incomprehensible or nonsense instruction manuals included with electronic devices, such as the shower radio that warns you not to use the product near water, such as near a bathtub.

The only conclusion I can draw is that I’m getting smarter or the rest of the world is getting dumber. And it’s so hard to distinguish between the two.

New examples arrive daily.

Product: Satellite Receiver

Ridiculous Manual Factor (Scale of 1-5): 93

Helpful Messages from the Instruction Manual:

Warning: Do not use this satellite receiver where contact with or immersion in water is a possibility. Do not use near flower vase, washbowls, kitchen sinks, laundry tubs, swimming pools, etc.

Flower vase. That's a new one. Frankly, I wouldn’t have thought to use a satellite receiver in any of those places... but luckily, even though I’m forbidden to use the receiver near the swimming pool, it is okay to use it in the shower... that’s not mentioned.

Warning: Do not put the candle or lamp stand on the cabinet; otherwise, there is the danger of fire.

I’m still contemplating the nature of this sentence. If I put the candle or “lamp stand” somewhere other than on the cabinet, there is no danger? I’ll put the candle on the bed.

Warning: The unit should be connected to a power supply only of the type described in the operating instructions or as marked on the unit. If you are not sure of the type of power supply (for example, 120 or 230 volt) to your home, consult your local dealer or local power company.

“Hello, Power Company? This is Ardency calling. I’m not sure of the type of power supply to my home.”

Calling your “local dealer” doesn’t help, either.

“Hey, Jimmy! It’s Ardency... can you get some more of that Jamaican stuff we smoked last weekend? Great! Do you know what type of power supply, for example, 120 or 230 volt, I have to my home?” (disclaimer: you know I don’t actually have a local dealer)

The final bit of amusement and/or annoyance here is that the instruction manual indicates that the unit is suitable for connection to anything from 100 volts to 240 volts, and either 60 Hz (like we use in the U.S.) or 50 Hz. Frankly, if you have a power supply to your house that is outside that range, I’m quite sure that you do not live on earth, so you wouldn’t be able to get the satellite signals anyway.

Warning: This product install diodes. Do not open the cabinet or touch any parts in the inner mechanism. Consult your local dealer for technical service if the opening is required.

First, I’m not sure what diodes have to do with anything.

Next, how do I touch parts in the inner mechanism without opening the cabinet?

Finally, if there are no user-serviceable components inside, how will I know if “the opening” is required?

Note: To ensure proper use of this product, please read this User manual carefully and retain for further reference.

Oh, yeah, that’ll help!

Note: This product install diodes. Do not open the cabinet to avoid the unit direct exposure to radiation.

A minute ago, installing diodes deserved a “warning.” Now, this bit about the diodes, and the “direct exposure to radiation” is merely a “note.”

It does bear mentioning that there isn’t any ionizing radiation going on inside this product. It’s a receiver, not a transmitter. I’m not sure what I’m actually being protected from.

Unit Cleaning: After the unit power is turned off, you can clean the cabinet, panel and remote control with a soft cloth lightly moistened with a mild detergent solution.

Yes, turn off the main unit before cleaning the remote. Actually, this is rather a silly notion anyway... because when the power is “turned off,” the insides are actually still live. Hot. The correct warning would be to unplug from the wall.

Oh... I almost forgot to mention... at the very top:

SAFETY PRECAUTION: CAUTION: CAUTION: Warning: (yes, that’s what it says)

To reduce the risk of electric shock, don’t open the cabinet.

Personally, I need tips to “eliminate” the risk of electric shock... rather than merely reducing it.

You?

The lightning flash with arrowhead symbol, within an equilateral triangle (?!), is to alert the user to “dangerous voltage” and to prevent from a risk(?!) of electric shock.

Prevent from a risk. I don’t know if that’s actually desirable.

And what about this “dangerous voltage?”

Usually, when things like this are “in quotes,” it means, “not really.”

Example: That guy was really “smart.”

OOOoooo, “dangerous voltage!” I’m shakin’.

“Mufasa! It tingles me!”

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Oh... so I bought one of those HDTV set-top boxes from Wal-Mart. I haven’t read the entire manual yet, although I did notice these two warnings which, I admit, are life-savers:

Use only the cart, stand, bracket, tripod, or table specified by the manufacturer, or sold with the apparatus. When a cart is used, use caution when moving the cart/apparatus combination to avoid injury from tip-over.

Yep... this thing has to weigh at least one pound. Deadly.

Do not place lighted candles, cigarettes, cigars, etc., on the product.

Awww, man... I can’t put ’em on the satellite receiver, either! Wait! They didn’t say “pipes.” Only cigarettes, cigars... oh... maybe “pipes” and “molotov cocktails” are included in “etc.”

Bummer.

Here’s the brilliance written in a little slip of paper they felt the need to include in the box:

Digital Television Transition Notice:

This device contains a digital television tuner, so it should receive digital over the air TV programming, with a suitable antenna, after the end of full-power analog TV broadcasting in the United States on February 17, 2009. Some older television receivers, if they rely on a TV antenna, will need a TV Converter to receive over the air digital programming, but should continue to work as before for other purposes (e.g., for watching low-power TV stations still broadcasting in analog, watching pre-recorded movies, or playing video games).

For more information, please see www.DTV.gov, or call 1-888-CALL-FCC. For information on the TV Converter program, and on government coupons that may be used toward the purchase of one, see www.dtv2009.gov, or call the NTIA at 1 -888-DTV-2009.

Hello? Is anyone home? This device “contains” a digital television tuner? How about the fact that this device is a digital television tuner? There’s simply no one home. If I were a person who needed to know this information, how could I have purchased this digital television tuner, with which this information came?!

Wait... it “should” receive digital over the air TV programming? It should? It better!