Single and Looking (Part 1)

...I say “Part 1” because I’m almost certain that a sequel to this post is inevitable.

Any more, there’s no shame in going to online dating sites. The biggest problem you face is that so many people are no longer active, and some sites (including, and especially, eHarmony) will match you ad infinitum with people who were likely similarly disgusted and no longer maintain their membership.

Another problem, so I have heard, is getting “JPEG’d” — it’s like getting punk’d, but by someone posting old or unusually flattering images of themselves (younger, thinner, etc.). I haven’t really experienced this, although there have been several profiles I’ve viewed that contain a distinct variety of images, from hot, to mundane, to coyote — of the same girl, in the same profile! Through a chain of coincidences — namely, searching for my own profile to see if it was indeed searchable, then being curious about something the other guy had written — I met a fellow strictly-straight guy who might turn out to be buddy material.

After looking at his profile, I realized that he would be able to tell I had looked, using the “who’s viewed me” functionality of the particular site… so I felt some degree of obligation to e-mail him and say, “hey, bud, I looked at your profile and I swear, I’m totally straight.” I went on to explain why I had looked at his profile: He mentioned the name of a “facility” he had just returned from and made some “lifestyle changes to reflect some choices made there.”

Although it sounded like maybe he had been in rehab or to some kind of counseling center, I researched it and it was some kind of Christian retreat. So, kudos to him. So I told him about my initial impression. He wrote back:

“Funny that you made a crack about a counseling center — fully half the girls I talk to on here NEED some therapy. It’s bad. I’m going to start charging to hear them whine.”

I wrote back. I asked, “dude… only HALF the girls?” I proceeded to give him some brief details of some of my own experiences — one-line summaries with no identifying information. Not that I have had that many of them, but there does seem to be a consistent underlying thread.

His response:

“I only said ‘half’ to be nice. Actually 9 of the past 10 I have met online and in real life turned out to be on meds for depression and anxiety. I wish girls would hide those pill bottles.”

As you know, someone being on meds is not a problem for me, if, after I get to know them, I come to the conclusion that they are genuinely committed to their recovery or maintenance. But if they’re functionally impaired or have a victim mentality, then I’m genuinely sorry, but I have to go. Nobody’s perfect, but I am not a substitute for the right attitude, doctor team, and support group, if necessary. If your life sucks, you need to “shut up, stop whining, and get a life!” That’s the title of a book, by the way — an awesome book — the only “in-your-face” self-help book I've ever read. Even if you don’t think you need it, you very well may need it. If it offends you when you read it, you absolutely, positively, and without question need it.

Back to “the guy” and his horror stories. He met one who was tremendously hot and wealthy, but clingy and needy and on dope. That’s ironic to me, because I’d think a hot girl might just as likely make ME clingy or needy — or at least looking over my shoulder for some guy with bigger pecs, a bigger truck, a bigger house, and a bigger wallet to try to take her away. But I digress.

He says he’s seen some “insanely cute girls” in the 200-pound range, but “the ones that are 250+ and think they are hot stuff” – well, we’ll be nice and say he has a little trouble with that.

Sometimes he waits a couple of months before meeting them in person, and sometimes just a couple of days. Apparently, it doesn’t make any difference.:

“There’s no correlation between chat time and the fun factor or even the nutjob factor.”

By the way, I hate him:

“…these girls are just fallin’ like rain.”

*grumble*

What’s more unusual, is profiles that just don’t make any sense. I don’t mean rambling, I mean “whoa, I don’t understand why this person posted this,” or, “is this a joke?”

Exhibit 1: “If You Really Mean This, You Might Save it for Later.” (no edits made; my comments in italics)

“im 36 white female (I’m with you, so far) looking for a relationship (still with ya) maybe have sex annd get married down the road and to love sombody for once (yow! Okay... although aren’t these kind of backwards? Sex, then Married, then Love? I’m pretty sure some of those are transposed.) i like going to play bingo (uh oh... possibly a “redneck woman”) and i like shoping (You like to shope, huh? Hold on to your wallet, guys) and i also like to go to amusement parks (okay) im looking for someone that likes to have fun and dont mind haveing sex (is she looking for someone who “dont” mind haveing sex? Do you know any guys who “do” mind? Although — follow me here — this sentence is actually grammatically ambiguous: the phrase “who dont mind” might be describing him — as in, “I’m looking for someone that ... don’t mind haveing sex;” or, it could be describing her — as in, “I ... dont mind haveing sex.”) i also liketo be spanked (whoa, back up the truck!) and likes going out have a good time”

“i like mostly scary movies like my favorite is poltorgiest and i like comadie like sata clause i have a wole bunch of movies that we can watch at night i dont read very much it hurts my eyes and i get headaches if i read to long i like haveing fu” (My guess is that it also hurts her brain.)

Now, it could be that this chick is kidding... but, then again, we’re in Oklahoma. I messaged her to see which it was. If she’s for real, she probably doesn’t have any free time. Never heard back.
Exhibit 2: “Great Sense of Humor, Had Me Going for a Minute”

Be sure to read the whole thing.

“Hey there y’all.

Well I’m single again!

My old man got caught steeling me some beer and cigs from the 7 eleven so he’s back in jail again. Guess I won’t be getting no child support from this one either.

I do get my welfare check and it’s a big one cause I got so many kids. I’m home all the time cause I don’t work so I can go out anytime you want.

I’m in pretty good shape for having so many kids and I like to work out (under the sheets).

I’m looking for a good man.

It’s ok if you been in jail before. I understand we all make mistakes. As long as you got a job and can afford my beer and cigs (you can’t buy them on food stamps) drop me a line….and buy the way…I got false teeth if you know what I mean

...

Hope you got a sence of humor....I love to laugh and make others around me laugh. Contrary to the previous paragragh, I do have a job, a house, a car, and my own teeth. I like going to the movies, taking walks, reading a good book and a variety of other things.

Now I have a few questions about the men on here....Why do you post pictures of your boat or your motorcylces? Do you think the women on here pick the guy with the biggest boat or motorcycle? Let me tell you....most of us could care less about what type of ride you have. And another thing....what is up with the pictures in the tighty whities and boxers? The bare chest pics are one thing but anything more than that is just a little too much info.And one last thing...those of you that post that you are younger than you really are....do you think we are stupid? If you look 60 and post that you are 45 you arent fooling anyone!”

She can’t spell to good, but she gots her a sensahumor! Her questions at the end confirm some things other female friends have told me — guys post the strangest pictures, including pictures of their ’ner and harbls. I may be clueless when it comes to women... but not that clueless.

Exhibit 3: “I guess we really are in Oklahoma.”

This stuff wears me out when I read it on a profile. It’s just totally not my scene, and I don’t really understand why so many people include it. Are they trying to find a redneck of their very own?

“...likes camping, fishing, boating, horse back riding, hiking ... dirt-bikes ...”

What is up with this? The only things she didn’t mention were NASCAR and motorcycles. Although, I guess that’s covered in “dirt-bikes,” since I assume she doesn’t mean a 20” Huffy Pro Thunder III like I had in elementary school. Yep, this message is brought to you by the state whose motto is “Oklahoma is OK.” Meh. Don’t get me wrong, I do like it here, because there are a lot of down-to-earth people. I tell people, “I was born in Texas, but I got here as fast as I could.”

Exhibit 4: “Be Careful What You Click For”

I have a friend who is sweet, and innocent, and I stumbled across her profile. This is a family blog, so if any minors are reading this, please click the red “X” at the top right corner of this window, and click quickly.

“Looking for Fetish, Group Sex, Sexual Relations, Online Flirting, and Other”

Lions, and Tigers, and Bears — Oh, my! Needless to say, this did not fit my image of her at all, but then again, “you can’t trust the quiet ones.” So I sent her a chat request on Live Messenger... had a little question to ask. She denied everything except “Online Flirting, and Other.” (I don’t know what “other” is.) In her defense, those were check-box options on the profile, and apparently you have to un-check what you do not want ... she plead absolute ignorance, and changed her profile. I believe her about 99% because we did go out a couple of times and she never showed any sign of this. I mean zero.

Stay tuned for more adventures in online dating…