The Top 15 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

I can’t take credit for this... it’s been circulating online for years. Recently, though, I thought about it and went looking for it. I’ve cleaned it up a little bit and you are now the beneficiary of my labors.

The Top 15 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

• Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Let her mourn for one month. Then she’s all yours. Except you can’t sell her.
  
  (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
  
  
• Find a prostitute and marry her.
  
  — Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)
  
  
• Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
  
  — Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
  
  
• Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
  
  — Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
  
  
• Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
  
  — the Benjamites (Judges 21:19-25)
  
  
• Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you.
  
  — Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
  
  
• Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then agree to work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. Possibly, the wives will also let you have quality time with their maidservants. They may even insist.
  
  — Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
  
  
• Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife.
  
  — David (I Samuel 18:27)
  
  
• Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone. (It’s all relative, of course.)
  
  — Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
  
  
• Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
  
  — Xerxes/Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
  
  
• When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.” For some reason, they will go along with this, even if they don’t know why.
  
  — Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
  
  
• Kill any husband and take his wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though).
  
  — David (2 Samuel 11)
  
  
• Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It’s not just a good idea, it’s the law).
  
  —Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy, Leviticus, Ruth)
  
  
• Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
  
  — Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
• A wife? Not!!!
  
  — Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)